Q&A : MPs' expenses

Written by matwil

Saturday, 9 May 2009

image for Q&A : MPs' expenses
An ex-MP doing the only other thing he's fit for

What does The Telegraph say?

The newspaper has published some of the most controversial type of MPs' expenses. Among them are Gordon Brown's £65,776 cleaning bill over three months, which was paid to his cat - Downing Street says as the cat's litter is so expensive, and Tiddles spends 12 hours a day washing itself, the money was to reimburse it for costs.

And Alastair Darling's £13,332 claim last year for crates of imported Gonzalez Byass sherry was, of course, for his chronically sherryless grandmother in Edinburgh. Even Tony Blair was caught in fraudulent property deals.

What does the Government say?

'Please, sir, it wasn't us! It was those bad Tory boys what fiddled the books all them years ago!'

Where did the information come from?

Not from Labour Party headquarters in London, who hate Lady Mandyson and the current Cabinet with a vengeance, oh no. No siree, not them. It fell from the sky during a Save The Lesbian QCs march in Westminster.

Aren't MPs reforming their expenses?

MPs have been trying to reform their expenses system for over 200 years, but sadly with no success. It is expected they will form committees soon to investigate the expenses system, plus sub-committees to investigate the committees. All with large expense accounts.

Why do MPs need a second home?

Why does John Prescott need two Jaguars? Why do MPs need two months of holidays every year? Why did Jackie Smith hire two pornographic films and blame it on her husband? Why do MPs even exist any more, when Washington makes all Britain's major decisions now, and Brussels the minor ones? Why do we have MPs?

Do MPs realise that they now appear do be dishonest, fraudulent, lying, swindling parasites?

Is the Pope a Nazi? And MPs have always been dishonest, fraudulent, lying, swindling parasites, that's why they become MPs.

Wouldn't it save the long-suffering British taxpayers millions, if Parliament was closed and all MPs made to sign on for Jobseekers' Allowance?

Obviously it would, but the snag is that MPs are incapable of doing any jobs at all. See last question and answer.

Is there anything the public - who seem powerless against these parasites and unable to get rid of them - can do about the situation?

Yes. Stop voting. The last two elections had the lowest turnouts in history, and a massive and deliberate non-turnout will make the politicians' position far less tenable. And it may start to make the Treasury, the Civil Service, and even the Inland Revenue start questioning their expenses, and possibly cutting their incomes and funds.

Who will win the F.A. Cup?

Not even a combination of Brown, Blair, Prescott, Smith, Blears and Campbell could fiddle the outcome of that one - though it's about the only thing they haven't fiddled in the United Kingdom over the last ten years.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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