Celebrity Big Brother Show Attacked By Zombie
There was chaos on a scale never before seen on the set of Celebrity Big Brother tonight when, in an unscheduled incident, a Zombie attacked several housemates. The Zombie, previously known as La Toya Jackson, bit, punched, kicked and gorged on ot...
Read full storyMumbai terror evidence dossier has Pakistan shitting in its pants
ISLAMABAD - The so-called government in Pakistan appears to be on its last legs. As confirmed liar Mr. Ten Percent Zardari rushed to Afghanistan where he was for the tenth time in two years promising "a new relationship" with Hamid Karzai, other min...
Read full storyC of E denies being a money-lender
After the recent criticism of the Government by Church of England bishops, the Anglican church today denied it was itself a money-lender. 'Look', the Right Reverend Woolham Bleatey said, 'we're a church, and it is our duty to point out everyone el...
Read full storyJimmy Carter's Habitat for Humanity Completes $1B US Embassy In Iraq
Baghdad,Iraq/ Madoff Investment News Update - "Holy Shit", that appears to be the uniform response by American Taxpayers when they heard the tab for the world's biggest embassy complex scheduled for completion momentarily in Iraq. Covering 104 acr...
Read full storyObamas Ignored At Washington Area KFC
(Washington, DC) The Obama family stopped in for a quick meal at a local KFC (Kentucky Fried Chicken-heads)yesterday and received a somewhat awkward surprise--everyone ignored them! The family was celebrating the girls' first day at their new schoo...
Read full storySir Richard Branson Saints Chairman
Today Southampton Football Club have announced that Sir Richard Branson will take control of the club after they accepted a £40 million bid for the Championship outfit. Branson has said that "As I am the owner of Virgin Southampton fans will get c...
Read full storyBurris Shows Up For Senate Duty Despite Warnings
Beleaguered Senator wanna-be Roland Burris showed up for duty today despite being warned that he would not be seated. Burris was appointed to the Junior Senator position vacated by President-elect Barack Obama by Illinois Governor Rod Blagojevich, wh...
Read full storyPatricia Arquette, Husband File For Divorce
Patricia Arquette has filed for divorce from her husband, Thomas Jane in Los Angeles County Superior Court over "Irreconcilable differences." Thomas claimed that Arquette was up at all hours of the night and waking him up to share "some screwy dre...
Read full storyPelosi Dismisses Mexican Rocket Attacks on US as "Justified", Pleads for More Mexican Aid!
San Diego,CA/ Homeland Security briefing - Following unprovoked rocket attacks from Mexico on civilians in Tuscon, San Diego and Abilene, House Speaker Pelosi has pleaded for restraint and understanding, saying "if we just give them more money, th...
Read full storyObama Names Larry King to Head CIA! Vows to Never,Never Piss off Terrorists!
Washington/DC/ Spook News from Langley - In a surprise move, hailed as "brilliant", by liberals, President Elect Obama has named famed talk show host Larry King, as head of the nation's super secret CIA. Declaring that world events "are the scari...
Read full storyKate Hudson Gets Boob Job
HOLLYWOOD, California - Kate Hudson, 29, movie starlet has finally gotten what she has always wanted. No, not a boyfriend who will feed her movie star ego seven days a week, but rather something that will be with her 24/7...boobs. Kate checked int...
Read full storyJesse Falling For Miley
Miley Cyrus and Jesse McCartney are both cute and generous but who ever thought they would fall in love? In a dream I had last night, Miley was driving her new car in L.A streets when she stopped at a café where she met Jesse who has parked his 19...
Read full storyPreparing for Parenthood
Preparation for parenthood is not just a matter of reading books and decorating the nursery. Here are some simple tests for expectant parents to take to prepare themselves for the real-life experience of being a mother or father. Women: to prepare for maternity, put on a dressing gown and stick a beanbag down the front. Leave it there for 9 months. After about 7 months, practice rising from a s...
Read full storyIsraeli fair comes to town
Today the Israeli fair dropped into town, and soon the stalls and rides were doing brisk business. The most popular was the child-shooting gallery. Here you pay a pound and are given a pretend soldier's uniform and an assault rifle, and then get 3...
Read full storyEhud Barak Obama picks Opus Dei lapdog Leon Pancetta for top CIA post
Washington AC/DC - (Spanish Inquisition Mess): US President-Elect Ehud Barak Obama's choice of a Jesuit-payroll professor from California's Santa Clara University for the top CIA post has delighted Opus Dei. The sinister cover-up organization has...
Read full storyAl Franken Concedes
Al Franken, amid a flurry of concerns by the Democratic Party, conceded his contested senate seat today. "It's not that I'm not good enough and smart enough, doggone it," he remarked. "It's just that, well, what I really want to do is become a WW...
Read full storyKing size 'Rizla' buyers targeted by police
People who buy extra long cigarette rolling papers are likely to be followed and monitored by undercover narcotics officers according to a jointly released report commissioned by both the Irish and British Police forces. Detective Inspector Mary J...
Read full storyDarts to become an Olympic sport
It was announced today that darts is to become an Olympic sport in 2012. Spokesman Fascisti Espano, said: 'Nations will be represented by teams of four darts players each, but certain regulations will be put in place to make this on a par with other...
Read full storyWife Abducted By Aliens Says Husband
Police have rejected the claims of a local man that his wife has been kidnapped by aliens. Mr. Colin 'Sparky' Johnson, a gas fitter, had told police that he had seen his wife disappearing down the road outside his house in Huddersfield, Yorkshire...
Read full storyBBC acts over Light-Skinned Doll
The BBC is to replace a doll based on the Slutsy Mutsy character from the Topsy-Turvey TV show 'Up yer Garden Path' following complaints it is too light-skinned, or as one irate West Indian caller aptly phrased it: 'Jest too Honky'. A BBC Openwid...
Read full storyDoctors Stunned by Simple New Cure
For years doctors have advised patients to take a spoonful of this or a spoonful of that to cure, or prevent illness. Like shooting stars the new cures have appeared on the medical scene, a burst of glory only to be followed by a slow fade into the a...
Read full storyNigeria's Black Gold Curse
Attacks on oil industry facilities and kidnappings for ransom of foreign oil workers are frequent in the festering creeks of the Niger Delta, which is home to Africa's biggest oil and gas industry, and 419 e-mail scams. The Washington Shitraker's...
Read full storyWoolworths Branch Refuses To Close
Police in a West Midlands town set up road blocks and cordoned-off a main shopping thoroughfare over the weekend, when it became clear that staff at a Woolworths store scheduled to shut down last week, had refused to obey their orders, and had carrie...
Read full storyIsrael Develops "Soylent Brown" Matzoh Crackers
JERUSALEM (FMLiveWire) -- Innovative Israeli industry has produced a new kosher food product: "Soylent Brown" Matzoh crackers in cooperation with the nation's military. "These new crackers are tasty and high in protein," said Benjamin Netanyahu,...
Read full storyZyclon-B approved for Aerosol Sprays
WASHINGTON DC, Dr. Strangedeath of the FDA announced today that Zyclon-B, as well as the already approved Agent Orange is now approved for use in air-freshening aerosol spray cans, so long as a non-fluorocarbon propellant is used, and aspartame is us...
Read full storyTwelfth Night Policing
Greater Manchester Police have announced the formation of a new squad within the force, called the Twelfth Night Squad. This squad will be responsible for trawling around the neighbourhoods of Greater Manchester looking for Christmas Decorations a...
Read full storyEvil Morris Dancers on the Prowl
Many people may have thought that Morris Dancing was on the wane, but they could not be further from the truth as blitzkrieg squads of Morris Dancers have been spotted kidnapping young children to bring them up in the traditional Druid dancing style.
Read full storyCatholic Church finally forgives Lennon
The Vatican has finally forgiven John Lennon for declaring that the Beatles were more famous than Jesus Christ. Lennon made the notorious remark to a London newspaper in 1966. The claim angered Christians worldwide and led to Beatles' albums be...
Read full storyAngelina Jolie To Replace David Letterman
NEW YORK CITY, New York - CBS in a big shakeup move has announced that they have decided to fire David Letterman and to replace him with motion picture actress Angelina Jolie. An unnamed CBS executive said that Mr. Letterman, 61, simply chose to p...
Read full storyManCity Markie Hughes: I'll Break Haim's Cherry
Manchester City manager, Markie Hughes has pledged to bust the hymen of Tol Ben Haim, jostle the jock of Brazilian striker Jo and evicerate Elano the midfielder. All the harsh talk from the Manchester manager comes from the rumored mutiny that the ga...
Read full storyBush to Pin Blair
Beaus have buttonholed their beloveds seemingly forever. The tradition with some variations always seems to involve a doting lover, a trinket of affection and a shy but lascivious paramour. The age old ritual will repeat itself as the Helen and Paris...
Read full storyShocking Truth About Swine Industry Revealed: What Price Bacon?
It has been revealed that pigs are poorly treated before their throats are slashed and most of us eat them. A pig loving website displays gruesome pictures of the tiny pigpens and other cruel conditions under which the soon to be slaughtered and cons...
Read full storyIsraelis Employ Blintzkreig in Gaza
Israeli air and land forces have attacked Gaza with the infamous Nazi blintzkreig. Flash fried pancakes with sugary cottage cheese are being launched at hundreds of hamas targets in the Gaza. This lightning strike of crepes has gummed up every mo...
Read full storyWomen Gets Pregant On Tube
LONDON Oxford Circus - A Turkish woman has become the sixty fith person to get pregnant on London's underground rail network since it opened 1 year ago, the transport authority confirmed twice on Friday. Jolie Mumnaba was traveling with her boyfri...
Read full storyFerguson to decide Premier League Fixtures next season
Manchester United manager Sir Alex Ferguson is to decide the entire premier league fixture programme according to a statement released today. The 9 time league winner has shown much displeasure at this seasons fixture list protesting that it left Uni...
Read full storyMadoff names Brunei's Prince Jefri Archer as his top investment adviser
Off-the-Wall-Street, NYC - (Ponzi Scam Mess): Disgraced Ponzi scam trader Bernie Madoff has told the FBI his hedge fund tips all came from long-term sleeping partner Prince Jefri Archer of Brunei. Jefri, 69, is a fugitive from justice after Briti...
Read full storyRoyal undertakers open Palace orifice
Sandringham - (Grim Reaper Mess): Stiff & Sons, Undertakers by Royal Appointment to the Puppet House of Windsor, have opened an orifice in Buckingham Palace after a tip-off from internet spreadbetting index Aintgottaprayer.con. The online book...
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