Supermarket Refuses To Sell Old Bloke Tobacco
A leading supermarket's decision to refuse a sale of tobacco to a sixty-seven year old man, who walks with the aid of a zimmer frame has sparked controversy on an international basis. Jeffrey Fagg, 67, who can only walk with the assistance of a zi...
Read full storyMan With World's Largest Frying Pan And Woman With World's Largest Maris Piper Make Heavenly Chips
Twas a journalist's dream. Today, the man with the world's largest frying pan met the woman with the world's largest Maris Piper, and the results were HOT! HOT! HOT! Albie There, owner of the world's only six-foot frying pan met up with Yes Yes Oh...
Read full storyRihanna learns to keep her mouth shut the hard way
International pop sensation Rihanna was taught a valuable life lesson this week when she finally learned that sometimes it's better to just keep your mouth shut. The incident happened whilst the umbrella singer was buying her dinner from a hotdog...
Read full storySecond Test Between England And West Indies Ends In Draw
There was better news for the England cricket set-up today when the team gained a tame but creditable draw in the second Test against the West Indies at the Sir Vivian Richards Stadium in Antigua. The tourists, fresh from their humiliating innings...
Read full storyChina claims potty training reduces tourism
In a recent informal discussion during an elaborate lunch, President Hu Jin Tao, after a huge gin tonic, mentioned that he had received a report related to the problems created by Chinese style toilets. Mr Hu Flungdung said "Apparently it's not t...
Read full storyEd Balls rebrands as X
Kiddy minister Ed Balls is to legally change his name to Ed X. Brown über-underling Ball has taken the decision to rebrand himself to make himself more accessible. "People say I am out of touch - but Ed X will be absolutely down with Generation...
Read full storyRecession victims TV Cowell X-job op
Credit crunch job losers could find employment through a new TV series. Simon Cowell, the Marquis of Granby, George Osborne and Les Dennis are to be judges in the new series of Britain's Got A Job. "We are looking for real victims of the credit...
Read full storyThree Foot Tall Thirteen Year-Old Fathers Four Foot Baby
What's it all about Alfie? As if all the bad weather wasn't enough, breaking news reveals that a three foot tall thirteen-year-old has sired a baby, who's a full foot taller than her father already! Baby Daisy tipped the scales at a whopping 56lbs...
Read full storyMan With Little Penis Braves Taking Shower After Ballgame.
It took quite a bit of courage for Freddie Hancock to get into the shower with all his teammates after the neighborhood donkey-basketball game for a local charity. "I thought I felt a pin prick when I bent over awhile ago!" yelled Billy Ray Johnso...
Read full storyJimmy Sirrel responsible for Paul Newman's saucy success
An ex-Scottish football manager and an ex-American actor. An odd couple indeed. But how so? Many know of Paul Newman's huge success in later life with his range of salad dressings. What few know, however, is that Newman's inspiration was the one time...
Read full storyNew Pink Panther Critized, Pockets Millions, Etc. Etc,
U.S. actor Steve Martin dismissed negative reviews of the latest installment of the Pink Panther movie franchise, saying comedies always had to overcome critical snobbery and that the genre was "not a critics' medium" "nor a medium's critic!" "The...
Read full storyMan In Prison Says They Got The Wrong Man!
William Jackson of Tennessee State Prison won't shut up about "them getting the wrong man". "That's all he wants to talk about", stated inmate Dilbert Lindsey. "My turn sharing his cell is almost over and I'll be glad. I mean, the man will drive y...
Read full story'Scooby Doo and the Prophet Mohammed Go to Legoland' film opens
In Leicester Square today, 'Scooby Doo and the Prophet Mohammed Go to Legoland' opened. In the cartoon film Scooby Doo and Shaggy go for a holiday to Denmark and find themselves trapped in Legoland, and then the evil villain, the Prophet Mohammed,...
Read full storyMadonna To Auction More Nude Pictures For Obama Stimulus
(Los Angeles-CA) Directly on the heels or insert the body part of your choice of this week's Christie's auction of a full frontal nude photograph of Madonna selling for over $37,000.00, the original Material Girl announced today at a Regent Beverly W...
Read full storyDying Man Hopes To Meet Johnny Carson
Sam Anderson of Buckley, Indiana is on his deathbed but, except for the tall hooded guy stretched out there beside him on the bed with a sickle, you wouldn't know it. "I'm excited", stated Anderson! "Oh I hurt like the dickens but by tomorrow nig...
Read full storyFlyers Announce: WallyMart Offers Big Rollback On Condoms!
WallyMart has announced that their "natural lambskin" condoms are being rolled back not only for a lower price but for a snugger, tighter fit. "And", added the retail giant, "these boxes are labeled by code and not by size so even your cashier wo...
Read full storyGirls Aloud Sign New Contract
Talent-free zone Girls Aloud have announced they have signed a new deal with their record label Fascination, despite recent reports that the group may be on the verge of breaking up. The band have reportedly signed a six-figure deal with the compa...
Read full storySliced Bread Knocked off top spot!
The widely popular television (also known as the stoner's paradise, the picto-cube, the Funbox, and the idiot box) is now the greatest achievement in the history of mankind since the wheel, sliced bread and, according to many, white chocolate Kinder...
Read full storyAnother St Valentine's Day Massacre as Puppet Monarchy contemplates 'doing a Waco'?
London - (Branch Davidians Copycat Mess): Fears are growing about the troubled UK Puppet Monarchy 'doing a St Valentine's Day Waco' after the European Court of Human Frights ordered the entire spoof dynasty to undergo compulsory equality training and...
Read full storyBig Oil To Bail Out America's Broken Ass
San Ramon, Ca - (Upstream Mess): A massive sweet light crude find, easily 100 times the size of Saudi Arabia's record-breaking 85 billion barrel Ghawar Field, "will bail out America's bankrupt economy" according to the lucky landowners in secret Big...
Read full storySnow place like home
The small village of Loxton in Somerset has today released plans to have winter all year round in a headstrong attempt to keep the dreaded Harlequin Ladybird off there streets and away from the folds in there curtains. The Harlequin comes form As...
Read full storyIran Claims Its Missile Brought Down Satellites!
Russia is monitoring the wreckage of two communications satellites that collided in space above Siberia. NASA says neither the earth nor the International Space Station are at risk from the debris of the Russian and American satellites. But what caus...
Read full storyObama Continues to Lobby for "Best Actor" in Horror Docu - Drama!
Hollywood,Ca/ Rolling Stone - President Barry O'Bama continues his whirl wind, non stop campaigning for an Oscar nomination in the World's continuing Docu Drama, "Mayhem on Main Street". The production, which to date has cost $760M in campaign f...
Read full storySalmanella Heaven In Austin Peanut Plant
Health Inspectors in Austin, Texas have ordered a recall of all products ever shipped from a now-closed a US Peanut plant in Plainview amid a nationwide salmonella outbreak. The order came Thursday evening from the Department of State Health Servi...
Read full storyUS woman gives birth to $800,000
BELLFLOWER, California - A woman gave birth on Monday to $800,000, only the second time in history such a large amount has survived more than a few hours without being stolen, doctors said. The mother gave birth to eight thousand $100 dollar bills...
Read full storyGovernment to Introduce 'Cohesion' Laws
Following the outcry over the Geert Wilders incident, the Government is to introduce new legislation to preserve social cohesion. Under the terms of the new legislation, to be announced today, all references to Christianity and Atheism are to be b...
Read full storyMicrosoft Offer Bounty for Virus Writer
A reward of $250,000 has been offered by Microsoft to find out who was behind the Downadup/Cornficker virus. Since it started circulating in October 2008, the virus has infected millions of PCs worldwide, including, hospital computers and even Roy...
Read full storyFlag poles attack Essex
With over one hundred confirmed deaths, 50 people injured and twenty suspected anal brutalities, terrorised citizens of Essex plea "when will the madness end?" These shocking statistics were released by Colchester's local police station yesterday...
Read full storyLaptop Must be Found - Police Ask Public for Help
Using technology that is designed to identify computer viruses, the Metropolitan Police today began the hunt for a laptop PC that was left in the back of a taxi yesterday. Police were guarded about providing many details, but said that it was a matt...
Read full storyDorothy Arrested For Oz Fires
Munchkin-land Oz -- Dorothy Gale is under arrest and facing multiple felonies that could send her to the electric chair. The creepy little brat stands accused of starting an inferno that scorched Oz and led to thousands of deaths. Her sleazy cohort...
Read full storySarah Palin Explains Strange Kids' Names
In an exclusive interview, Sarah Palin sat down to tell the world just why she gave her children names that would leave them resenting her for the rest of their lives. On son Track: "Because Todd and I had to make tracks to get married after he was conceived. But don't tell anyone." Bristol: "'cause those darn democrats just make me bristol with anger." Willow: "That was an inside joke b...
Read full storyQueen launches website
After using computers for the past two years, Queen Elizabeth the second has come into the digital age by creating her very own web site. Her initial attempts were rather poor, but after studying website programming for eighteen months, Liz has cr...
Read full storyBush Goes Out In A Blaze Of Stupidity
He stopped to take a sip from a beer, a luxury he could afford now that the cameras were all on Obama and not on him. "Now take Herbert Hoover. He was always said to be the worst and he wuz only one term. I got him beat! What about Taft? That guy was so fat they had to make a special bath tub for him! They say I'm maybe the most fit President ever. See, I am number one at something!" "What a...
Read full storyResearchers Find Marijuana Substitute
With the US Food and Drug Administration (FDA) cracking down hard on marijuana users and suppliers, researchers have discovered a synthetic compound that mimics the drugs benefits. Researchers at the University of California Berkeley have discover...
Read full storyMore People Inserting Objects Inside Themselves!
According to reports, people of all ages are inserting objects into themselves. While it's been known to happen from time to time, now it seems to be epidemic. Professionals at Nationwide Children's Hospital in Cleveland, Ohio, told an annual meet...
Read full storyPresident Obama's and President Bush's Communication Skills Examined
Washington DC: Dr. Kartoffel Kopf, a visiting professor from the Dusseldorf School of Linguistics, has been lecturing here in the USA about how great leaders communicate. He has postulated an analytical model to measure the information contained in a...
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