The small village of Loxton in Somerset has today released plans to have winter all year round in a headstrong attempt to keep the dreaded Harlequin Ladybird off there streets and away from the folds in there curtains.
The Harlequin comes form Asia and is a very potent aphid-eater and thus its voracity allows it to eat all aphids, out-competing native ladybirds and pissing them off greatly! When it runs out of aphids, it starts eating other invertebrates - other ladybird species, hoverflies, lacewings, butterflies and those small red bugs that look like tiny droplets of blood, you know the ones that are always crawling on old bricks… what are they called?... anyway, the small village (possibly hamlet) of Loxton says "enough is enough! It's only a matter of time before they are going after our hamsters, rats, cats and dogs, when will the killing end?"
The extreme, and in my opinion racist, plan was conceived during a village elders meeting called specifically tackle the tiny foe from barging in to the sleepy little Village (for legal reasons we should point out that Loxton may have been reclassified as a hamlet) and stealing the jobs of our great British ladybird.
This shocking plan was the brainchild of Dr Ivor Car who when questioned had this to say "I came up with the idea of a perpetual winter whilst watching Edward Scissor hands, starring moustache faced pretty boy Johnny Depp, that bit at the end when he is chopping off the ice and making it snow gave me an epiphany. If he can do it, why cant we?
The optimistic plan is to hire all the country's wood chippers and place them strategically around the Mendip Hills, once these are in place an elaborate system of oil tankers and articulated lorries will ferry huge blocks of ice form the arctic circle to village where a team of highly trained men and women affectionately referred to as "Ice Monkeys" will work 24 hours a day to chop the ice in to log sized chunks and deposit these "chunks" into the wood chippers. It will then be the job of the chipper operator or "Snow Monkey" to move the chippers from left to right spreading the freshly chipped ice across Loxton Village/hamlet emulating an eclectic winter scene.
The purpose of this elaborate scheme is to coerce the Harlequins in to thinking it's too cold to live in Loxton and they will all bugger off to somewhere else… maybe Christon or Elborogh.
This entire plan will cost the Loxton taxpayer roughly £30,000 per person every year as it boasts a population of only 150-200 people, 100 of which are retired.
Local milkman Ivor Biggen said "Its worth the increase in tax to ensure that Loxton remains picturesque and wholly British"
The chief Shaman of Loxton had this to say "We are very confident that this plan will work, and if it doesn't we will strive to make Loxton so cold that the little buggers will freeze to death, we'll all open our freezer doors or something"
There was, at one point, talk of introducing many more birds in to Loxton to feast upon the Harlequin population but this idea was pooh-poohed as being "far too extreme… think of all the bird shit!"
