IBM's Roadrunner Supercomputer goes online - Then accesses Internet Porn, downloading 80 terabytes into its memory banks
Los Alamos, New Mexico - The new IBM Roadrunner supercomputer (capable of making 1,000 trillion calculations per second), can do in a day what it would take every man and woman on the planet working around the clock seven days a week over 40 years to...
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- At the IAAF World Athletics Tour meeting in New York, Jamaica's Usain Bolt set a new World record for the men's 100m in a time of 9.72 seconds. Bolt said he wasn't even trying to set a record. It turns out, Bolt is a super-delegate and was just running away from Hillary Clinton.
Read full storyRural U.S. Takes Worst Hit as Gas Tops $4 Average
Gas prices are starting to hit rural America the hardest, but the pain is not being felt uniformly. Across broad swaths of the South, Southwest and the upper Great Plains, the combination of low incomes, high gas prices and heavy dependence on pickup...
Read full storyObama and Clinton Arrested And Charged With Soliciting!
Barack Obama has been arrested along with Hilary Clinton.
Read full storyFraud Squad lures Bush to Windsor Castle after safety deposit vault bonanza
London - (Ass Mess): "Gotcha, bastard!" UK Top cops are pleased as punch today. Their ruse to lure feckless Cuban-born KGB tribute artiste George W Bush on a Windsor Castle valedictory freebie is a winner.
Read full storyClinton Launches Bid to Recoup Losses
A Washington insider confirmed today that Hillary Clinton has pulled together a coalition of high profile political women to help her recover the 11 plus million dollars she lent her own campaign in a losing bid to be the Democratic candidate for Pre...
Read full storyObama Campaign Employs Unique Media Approach
Washington DC: Now that Senator Clinton is on board to lend her support to the Obama campaign, communication strategists can concentrate on getting Senator Obama's message out.
Read full storyBiggest Robbery In British History
The biggest robbery in British history occurred earlier this week, as thieves made off with the astonishing amount of £3.2 billion, dwarfing such robberies as the Brinks-Mat one. Police are uncertain as to how this was pulled off, but are questioning...
Read full storyKung Fu Panda, Zohan Lead Box Office Youth Movement
(La La Land, CA) - For the first time in weeks, geriatric action heroes and old ladies having sex took a back seat to kids who just wanted a crappy movie they could laugh at while getting stoned, as the American box office was ass-kicked into submiss...
Read full storyAmerican Dentists Association claims Obama victory
Washington AC/DC - (Ass Mess): Presumptive Democratic presidential nominee Barack Obama owes his entire White House campaign victory to brilliant restorative dentistry according to the US Dentists Association which has voted his smile as his most con...
Read full storyPure Bollocks!
Whats the score with mens bollocks? Why on earth did God decide to have them hanging loose where they are easily knocked?...
Read full storyLeeds United latest - Can they be saved?
Concern was mounting amongst fish and animal lovers amongst others today after the tank temperature of the fish in the Leeds United board room fish tanks plummeted by 15 degree points. Fish are said to be hardy and able to withstand changes in fortu...
Read full storyWayne Rooney IS worth 5 NHS Nurses annual salaries a week
A major report issued by some very influential people who know an awful lot about these things, has revealed that footballer Wayne Rooney is worth every penny of the salary he is paid, currently the equivalent in one week to the annual salary of 5 qu...
Read full storyNews Blackout Due To Excessive Bad News
News stations around the world observed a self-imposed news ban today after several breaking news stories signalled the worst day of news in the history of news reporting.
Read full storyMicro Machine Solves Gender Imbalance
Nano-technologists have created a washing machine so small it can be fitted into a nose piercing stud. The breakthrough has come after years of painstaking research into the problems associated with getting clothes into the door. Detergent levels...
Read full storyParis Hilton's interview with Burma's General Than Shwe
(Yangon) - Celebutante, singer, song writer, model, actress, tabletop dancer, humanitarian and international diplomat the georgeous Paris Hilton has managed to obtain an exclusive interview with Burma's reclusive strongman General Than Shwe. Paris...
Read full storyBig Brother Housemate Is On The Run From Terror Police
Big Brother 9 got off to an 'explosive start' last Thursady with the news that one of the housemates, is actually an Islamic Fundamentalist on the run from Terror Police.
Read full storyIsle Of Man TT Latest: Records (And Other Things) Broken
The Isle of Man TT Race finished yesterday with the usual worries from locals about the dangers involved proving unfounded in this, the most dangerous race in the Isle of Man sporting calendar.
Read full storyObama Gives Away Jerusalem to the Jews!
In his speech before a US Jewish organization, Barack Hussein Obama wanted to reassure his audience that they had nothing to fear from a Presidential candidate whose name sounds like it came off a terrorist watch list.
Read full storyCompetitors Heed Obama Supporters' Advice; Quit When You Are Behind!
Marathoners are dropping out, MLB catchers are refusing to suit up in the late innings and whole teams are waking off the field as soon as they realize that they have no chance to win. For most of human competitive history, it has been customary for...
Read full storyOil not slavery the real cause for the Civil War
Historians on Tuesday discovered a missing diary belonging to a Union Officer describing the real reasons for going to war with the South.
Read full storyBig Brown, Latest Low Cholesterol Pet Food!
Kentucky Derby Dog Food Inc has diversified to include the new Breeders' Cupful, a fertility and sexsual stimulating animal feed and now Big Brown, a low cholesterol doggie treat made from big brown horse meat. The upstart company is not without...
Read full storyJapanese snow monkeys commit mass seppuku in protest of habitat loss
Carrying out what is believed to be a perfectly planned and orchestrated move, 25,000 macaques across Japan ritually disembowelled themselves at lunch time yesterday, to protest the ongoing destruction of their habitat.
Read full storyExxon to give away a SUV with each fill up
Top Exxon executives announced today that they have come up with a plan that will give a SUV with each fill up, a move that top brass says is their way to give back to the American people.
Read full storyEasy-Bake Ovens Cause of Phoenix Lander Failure
Scientists have confirmed that the first sample of Martian dirt dumped onto the opening of the Phoenix lander's tiny testing oven failed to work like mommy's grown-up oven as expected causing many of the younger scientists to break down and c...
Read full storyGlobal Food Summit in Rome
The Global Food Crisis Summit was held in Rome, Italy this past week. Agricultural ministers, medical experts, and political activists from around the world convened in the Eternal City to resolve the present worldwide food crisis. Below is a copy of the first day's schedule of lectures and activities that have been sponsored by the United Nation's Food and Agriculture Organization.
Read full storyPhoenix Lands on Mars, Discovers Oil
LBJ Space Center, Houston TX: Engineers waited patiently for the telemetry signal to be received that indicated the Phoenix Mars Lander (PML) had touched down safely.
Read full storyFederer Retaliates for Loss to Nadal in Men's Shower
Paris - It was a stunning performance by Rafael Nadal. Nobody has as thoroughly whiped the court with Roger Federer in any recent years as he did to day on the red clay of Roland Garros. Even though he once again appeared to try and take a bite out h...
Read full storyHudd and his Gland-son have a heated exchange!
Irksome Music Hall warm-up man and Broadcaster Roy Hudd had a nasty surprise a few days ago when his mischievous grandson Barnaby replaced a can of Ball-freshener with Deep Heat.
Read full storyGrandpa Ganja On Imagery
We live in remarkable times, but they're also complicated times. Nothing is as simple as it once was. Take cars, for example. There was a time when a car was a fairly simple machine, one that could be understood by just about anybody who owned a pair of pliers and some baling wire. You ever look at a Model A engine? There's nothing there. An engine block, a few wires, some spark plugs and...
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