Phoenix Lands on Mars, Discovers Oil

Funny story written by Philbert of Macadamia

Monday, 9 June 2008

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LBJ Space Center, Houston TX: Engineers waited patiently for the telemetry signal to be received that indicated the Phoenix Mars Lander (PML) had touched down safely.

The signal came and National Aerospace and Space Administration (NASA) personnel were ecstatic for a few seconds, until the rest of the message was displayed "Houston I have a problem." A return signal to the PML queried "your problem is?" Anxious minutes ticked by until "I have landed in a pool of liquid, am stuck and can't get up. I am deploying scientific measuring instruments." Again NASA personnel were ecstatic, believing they had found liquid water on Mars' surface. More anxious minutes passed and then the answer message was displayed, "Pool of liquid is crude oil."

Members of the US Air Force stationed in the command Center of the Air Warning Center at Cheyenne Mountain CO "nearly had a cow' when every display screen lit up. A Red Phone call from the president had them stand down, as the alert was not serious. Congressional staffers had leaked the news about the oil find on Mars. The United Kingdom, North and South Korea, China, Russia, India, Iran, Japan, France and other space capable countries had all launched their own Mars explorer rocket vehicles to stake out an oil claim.

Saudi Arabia and Kuwait plan a joint space venture at a later date, to initially put a Camel into Earth orbit. This project is a first step to launching a Mars landing vehicle to stake out an oil claim in the name of the Organization of Petroleum Exporting Countries (OPEC). A spokesperson for Egypt, Israel and the Palestinians said "our three countries have agreed to sit this one out, as we always come up with bupkis (nada) when oil exploration is involved".

Since these events happened on Sunday, the opening of the US stock exchanges on Monday morning is being eagerly awaited, relative to oil futures. However Texans were more than overjoyed, they were ecstatic! Not since the big Texas panhandle oil boom of 1925 have Texan's been so eager to drill holes in the ground, even extraterrestrial ground. Long lines of trucks carrying oil rigs and associated equipment clog highways to the US launch sites of Cape Canaveral, Vandenberg Air Force Base, Wallops Island, and Edwards Air force Base in anticipation of good days to come.

Texas oil drillers know there are no Caribou or Polar Bears on Mars to worry about, only Martian desert conditions, which are similar to those of living in Texas. The practical problems of breathing, getting all the drilling equipment to Mars, erecting shelters and building refineries on Mars (no Martian environmentalists or regulations), and then transporting the finished products back to Earth remain to be solved.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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