Zac Efron breaks his nose in freak basketball accident
Zac Efron has broken his nose in five places whilst playing basketball in a public park. Plastic surgeons were called to the scene immediately, but a spokesperson has announced that Efron "may never be attractive again." The world's markets were q...
Read full storyChurch condemn nursery rhyme as "evil"
Last week, the "Hokey Cokey" was targeted by the Catholic Church in Scotland as a 'faith hate' song - but now another rhyme widely taught to children in the English-speaking world has come under fire from a Church leader. Cardinal Keith O'Brie...
Read full storyJelly Services Architect Shown the Door
After three short years of helping to architect big ugly software solutions to what were perceived to be simple little business problems, Skippy Winklestein, technical staff geek and architect at Jelly Services, will abide by his final 'separation ag...
Read full storyA-Rod Joined on Yanks by Switch Hitting Maddona!
New York/NY Sporting Times - The spendthrift Yankees continued their wanton ways today with the announcement that they had added "The Queen of Pop" to their already potent,though aging , lineup. Madonna, known as a racy switch hitter after her e...
Read full storyVisitor Pooping Like There Was No Tomorrow
According to fellow Furrytown Library visitors awaiting to see the Veterans Representative and in line near the men's restroom, Bernie "Fat" Andrews, 64, was in there pooping as if it were the best thing that ever happened to him. "From the gru...
Read full storySong and Gomez: We want to do serious movies!
Teen queen, Brenda Song and starlet Selena Gomez are considering doing Broadway, and have both stated that they want to do serious movies, that mean something to people. Song, 20, and Gomez, 16, most known for fighting with Miley Cyrus and dating...
Read full storyDroylsden v. Chesterfield Match To Be Shown On BBC1 On Christmas Day Instead Of Groundhog Day
The BBC have revealed that they have changed their Christmas Day TV schedule for BBC1 by cancelling the late-evening movie, Groundhog Day, and replacing it with the coverage of the mammoth FA Cup saga between non-League Droylsden and League One side...
Read full storyBrenda Song and Joe Jonas Hooking Up again?
Teen queen, Brenda Song and teen heartthrob Joe Jonas were spotted again in my dreams, this time alone and flirting. Jonas, 19, and Song, 20, were rumored to be dating for a while in February to July of 2008. The two darlings denied it several ti...
Read full storyBernard Madoff Changes Guilty Plea
Bernard Madoff, who recently confessed to having swindled up to $50 billion from investors and hedge fund managers, has dramatically changed his plea. Madoff, 70, currently under house arrest, and forced to wear an electronic tag, now claims that...
Read full storyBig Sheep Dip - Arabs Buy Into Shetland Oil, Hilary Gets Richer while Crown Stalls on Ownership of Oil Rich Island!
Lerwick/Shetland Times - There was big news on this wind swept island the past weeks as a myriad of shady dealings continued to stir up deep sheep dip involving ownership of the land, and continued intrusion into the oil rich region by BIG Arab Mone...
Read full storyTheory on LHC:FBH solution discussed by boffins
Braniacs from all over the planet met today in Lausanne, Switzerland in an attempt to thrash out a solution to the Financial Black Hole, caused by the Large Hadron Collider. Many theorum have been discussed and discarded as argument, counter-argum...
Read full storyLarge Hadron Collider Responsible for Global Financial Crisis
The switch off of the controversial CERN Large Hadron Collider on 19th September, only 9 days after it was first switched on, had initially been reported as being necessary due to a leak of 6 tonnes of liquid helium, which had damaged the massive ele...
Read full storyBarack Obama: The Untold Story of his Birth
The evidence is crystal clear: Barack Obama was NOT born anywhere in Africa or America. He was infact conceived as a result of inbreeding on an isolated island - somewhere around the Amazon - to the albino Chungawonga tribe. However, seeing that...
Read full storyCobblers Start World War 3
The recent attack on US President George W. Bush has prompted a Turkish shoe firm to take on 100 extra staff to cope with a surge in orders, after an Iraqi tosser threw a shoe at him. The situation has become volatile and could cause war between...
Read full storyScientists Admit they have been Resurrecting Mummies
GIZA, Egypt - Dr. Gaspar T. Ameri, secret CIA agent, canceled his keynote address on Secrets of the Ancients to meet secretly with TheSpoof.com. Dr. Ameri explained that they have been, for the last 5 years resurrecting mummies, using a newly discov...
Read full storyO'Henry's The Gift of the Ragu
When Italian gal Floridie Fidonato Feroni, 25, who suffers from a rare kind of dwarfism and stopped growing at three foot, nine inches was proposed to by a U.S. Army Captain Erik Goodley six months ago, she was determined to do something about her h...
Read full storyObama Buys Hawaii Ocean Front Estate: Camp Hussein to Replace Camp David as Presidential Retreat!
Hawaii/ Real Estate News - It was announced today that President Elect Barack Hussein Obama II had purchased a $15M ocean front estate that had been on the market for 5 years in a flagging real estate market. Aides say Obama "wanted a change" from th...
Read full storyBurger King's, "Flame" blamed for mountain lion attack
Burger King's new men's body spray, "Flame, the scent of seduction with a hint of flame-broiled meat" is being blamed for a mountain lion attack which happened earlier this morning near Blowing Rock. Hans Feltercrack and his wife were hiking The...
Read full storyUAW Halts Production on Obama Mobile:Prez May Have to Ride Bus to Inauguration!
Detroit/Auto Union News - In a fit of pique, UAW president Ron Middlefinger (sic), put a halt to the completion of the 6 matching limos ordered by Obama's Car Czar Al Gore. Claiming they weren't going to back down on their union contract which com...
Read full storyCatholic Priests to Face 'Sex Drive' Tests
The Roman Catholic Church has issued guidance for future priests and nuns to have psychological tests to weed out those unable to control their sexual urges. The document, approved by Pope Benedict XVI and made public on Thursday, is rumoured to...
Read full storyCheryl Cole To Be Replaced by Churchill The Nodding Dog
Fears were gathering last night that pop superstar Cheryl Cole may be replaced on the new series of X Factor by the Churchill, the well known nodding bull dog from the eponymous insurance advert. A statement issued by Highpant, the PR company repr...
Read full storyThe Seventh Day of Creation
With reference to Creation's Controversy, it took far longer than Six Days, Man's chronicles are distorted due Religion's cozening ways, A Concoction of rewriting, and counterfeited innovation, The whole of Biblical essence has become sheer Fabrication First the Rabbinic morons mistranslated every other verse, Then the Vatican's forgers meddled to make it even worse; Mad Mohammed, high on ga...
Read full storyObama is just the start
Close aides to the President-Elect, Barack Obama, have revealed that he was not born on Earth, but is in fact from a distant star system called Pegasus 31. Obama vigorously denies the claims, and has a birth certificate written in crayon to prove...
Read full storyNew 'Help The Banks' charity launches appeal
Today the new charity Help The Banks appealed to the British public to send in their donations. Their secretary, Alistair Starling, said: 'At this time of the year many bank managers are suffering. While you and your families are eating your Christma...
Read full storyFormer Olympic athlete admits to sex change
A former US Olympic athlete has admitted to having changed sex at an early age to improve his (or her) chances of getting on the team. Stu Dunkov was a 13 year old Peggy Sue Wildsmith who decided to become a male in order to fulfil a dream of goi...
Read full storyNASA Astronauts Test New Probe during Space Walk
Combining scientific and medical procedures during a planned experiment at the international space station, two NASA astronauts completed a historic series of tests in the cold vacuum of space this past Monday. Designed to test the human body's...
Read full story'Era of cheap gags over' vows Putin
Moscow - (Plutonium-210 Mess): Humorless Russian Prime Monster Vladimir Putin has warned a Moscow meeting that the 'era of cheap gags' about his manhood is over. In a keynote speech to members of a loose grouping known as the Gags Exporting Coun...
Read full storySaudi mother told she can't marry off her unborn child
A Saudi mother has been told that the enforced marriage of her child may be illegal. Fatima Foodstuffs, who lives in Qasim province, north of the Saudi capital Riyadh, has been told that under no circumstances should she have accepted the dowry of...
Read full storyPope pokes homosexuals and transsexuals!
On Monday, Pope Benedict XVI was reported as saying that the importance of saving humanity from homosexual or transsexual behaviour is equally as important as halting the rampant destruction of the world's rainforests. He went on to say that human...
Read full storyCheryl Cole receives French letter from angry fan
X-Factor judge, pop-songstress and footballer's wife Cheryl Cole announced that she has received a French letter in the post today. Unable to comment on the identity of the sender, the young celebrity was said to be distraught, even thought the wo...
Read full storyGreat lines from actual job evaluations
1. I would not allow this employee to breed. 2. This associate is really not so much of a has-been, but more definitely a won't be. 3. Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap. 4. When she stops to open her mouth, it seems it is only to change whichever foot was previously there. 5. He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle. 6. Thi...
Read full storyBush - My Legacy to the World
My fellow Americans, As I approach the end of my presidency I want to sum up my achievements and outline my legacy that will allow everyone's favourite black Irishman Barack to continue my good work next year. In 2009, I will be teeing it up at Augusta, assuming those pesky Ruskies have left, and I don't want to be worrying unnecessarily. The first element of my legacy is that I have shown...
Read full storyNew Band Aid single comes out
Band Aid reformed today, and quickly brought out a new single. 'Do Bankers Know It's Christmas' is widely expected to top the charts, especially as the latest X-Factor garbage is its only competition, and millions were rushing out today to buy the CD. And so here are the lyrics of the Band Aid tune: 'It's Christmas time, there's no need for banks to be afraid At Christmas time, we steal your...
Read full storyCalorific Value of Sex
It has been known for many years that sex is good exercise, but until recently nobody had made a scientific study of the caloric expenditure of different sexual activities. Now after original and proprietary research, Prof. Willie Shagger, of Inverness University College of Medicine has revealed the results to In Seine News. They are: REMOVING HER CLOTHES: With her consent...................
Read full storyMy Christmas Box
We'll have an X-Men, X-files, X-Box, no socks, X-Factor, Max Factor, Max Bygraves, no war graves of a Christmas I want empathy, an MP3, a hemp-free, hump-free, grump-free, Humperdink, have-a drink of a Christmas An Oh Come All Ye Faithful, Oh strictly come dancing, come-on come-on, curmudgeonly comfy chair of a Christmas A Doctor Do-Little, Doctor Who, PS2, Snoop Dog, poop scoop, Scooby...
Read full storyEverything must go
With Woolworths doing better trade in the last few days than in the preceding ninety-nine years, it has been announced that everything must be sold before the end of the year, and that means everything. In the store in Altrincham, near Manchester,...
Read full storyGordon Brown admitted to hospital
Gordon Brown was rushed to St Pancreas hospital this morning after developing concussion during a press conference about the troop withdrawal from Iraq. After George Bush had almost been hit by a shoe whilst in Iraq, London based Iraqis decided to...
Read full storyWhat Love means to 4 - 8-year-olds
Slow down for three minutes to read this. It is so worth it. Touching words from the mouth of babes. A group of professional people posed this question to a group of 4- to 8-year-olds, 'What does love mean?' The answers they got were broader...
Read full storyLawsuit: No More Baseball Caps In The NFL
CLEVELAND, Ohio - The age old sports practice of NFL football players wearing a baseball cap on the sidelines and during locker room post game interviews is coming to an end. A Class 1 lawsuit has been filed in the third district appellate court...
Read full storyObama to Bail Out Federal Government
President-Elect Barack Obama announced a plan to bail out the federal government Tuesday morning. He appears to have broad bipartisan congressional support. The federal government has committed trillions of dollars to assisting banks, car companie...
Read full storySarah Palin Arrested for Shoplifting at Caribou Barbie Boutique
The tanking economy has coincided with shoplifting arrests the size of a Sherman tank. Addictions have also been exacerbated by the widespread need for stimulation, economic and otherwise. The arrest of Alaskan Governor Palin for taking some f...
Read full storyVerizon Network Issued Citations For Disturbing The Peace
SAN FRANCISCO, CA - A middle-aged woman in Sausalito was startled from her sleep yesterday by what sounded like a large crowd outside her window. Upon parting her curtains, she was shocked to see more than 5,000 people jamming the streets and sidewa...
Read full storyThen, Tora Tora Tora, Now, Toyautos, Toyautos, Toyautos
Decades later, in an ironic twist on the Japanese attack on Pearl Harbor after the US froze all of Japan's assets in an attempt to prevent an Asian power from dominating ...Asia, the US has launched a surprise assault on the economy of the Rising Sun...
Read full storyAnn Coulter To Donate Adam's Apple To Science
WASHINGTON, D.C. - Hoping to support Michael Behe's "piercing cry of intelligent design" with actual genetic evidence, Ann Coulter has vowed to donate her Adam's apple to science. Citing a "keen interest in real science," she pledged the genetic mat...
Read full storyCamilla Bella Preggers, Guess Who's Daddy!
According to the leprechauns in my head, Camilla Belle is pregnant and is claiming that the father is Twilight heartthrob, Robert Pattinson. Belle is reportedly 2 and a half months along, Pattinson has still not been told. The two actors have...
Read full storyBush gives $17 Billion Holiday Gift to Automakers
Washington DC: Following the defeat of the $47 Billion "Automaker Bailout Bill" in the US Senate, a meeting was convened in the White House Oval Office. Meeting participants included Bush Administration Officials, the Automaker Chief Executive Office...
Read full storyBrown reveals Capitalism revival plan - throwing stuff, TV roulette and phone-in votes
Prime Minister Gordon Brown yesterday gave a surprisingly upbeat view of how the economy will improve over the coming year. Speaking at the December Number 10 news conference, he invited journalists to throw their shoes at him: "Give it your...
Read full storyFord Turning To (Red) Hot Cars, Dates With Car Sales Models To Recoup Losses
Detroit, Michigan: Nearly bankrupt before the big auto bailout the Ford Auto Company are considering selling (red) hot cars and providing purchasers with three free dates with their auto models from the car shows in order to become profitable again.
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