Tuesday, 23 December 2008

image for Ann Coulter To Donate Adam's Apple To Science
Ann Coulter's Great, Great, Great, Great, Great Grandfather

WASHINGTON, D.C. - Hoping to support Michael Behe's "piercing cry of intelligent design" with actual genetic evidence, Ann Coulter has vowed to donate her Adam's apple to science. Citing a "keen interest in real science," she pledged the genetic material from her prominent bulge, saying it "will prove to those Godless liberals once and for all that I am, as we all are, related to Adam, the first man on earth."

Coulter suggests that the pronounced lump in her throat having come into existence purely by accident is about as likely as "liberal worms evolving a brain." On the contrary, nearly all scientists agree that most liberals already have a brain. In fact, they grudgingly admit that Coulter has one as well, though they believe some as yet undiagnosed genetic mutation has deprived her of its use.

The ad hominem commentary of the popular right-wing pundit has drawn worldwide criticism from the scientific community, known in some circles as "the evolution cult," for many years. Surprisingly enough, they welcome her latest endeavor. Noted molecular biologist Dr. Darle Charwins says, "A complete analysis of Miss Coulter's Adam's apple will finally bring her from ad hominem to ad hominid." He added, "It's a shame we can't remove it now. Maybe that would shut her up for a change."

Dr. Charwins explains the first step in a proper scientific analysis would be the complete sequencing of nucleotide pairs in the DNA from Coulter's Adam's apple. The following analysis should prove that Coulter shares more than 97% of her DNA with modern chimpanzees, a slightly higher percentage than that of most other Homo sapiens. "She may, in fact, prove more closely related to Homo erectus. This would help to explain some of her crude, almost ape-like behavior, appeals to primal emotional tactics, and lack of rational faculties."

Dr. Charwins also noted that, were someone ever stupid enough to father Coulter's child, modern technological advances would allow her to view the fetus growing in her womb quite clearly. She could witness it's nature-mimicking embryonic evolution, tracing its development through periods when it had gills, and even a vestigial tail. "I believe she keeps hers tucked in very tightly," said Charwins, "which is actually quite remarkable, considering she's about as bony as an Archaeopteryx fossil."

Standing in support of intelligent design, school boards across Kansas had high praise for Coulter's important contribution to science. Most agree analysis of the genetic material in Coulter's protruding laryngeal knob should "close the gaps in science, leaving open the possibility that a creator or some sort of 'intelligent being' is responsible for Ann's apple."

Former Vice Presidential candidate and Alaska governor Sarah Palin is also enthusiastic at the pronouncement. Said Palin, "I may not be around to see it, but, you know, I'm not going to pretend to know how her Adam's apple came to be, so it should be interesting to put all this evolution whoosit whatsit behind us."

Though we searched the four corners of the world to the ends of the earth, Ms. Coulter's giant flatulent raccoon was unavailable for comment as of the publishing of this article.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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