SAN FRANCISCO, CA - A middle-aged woman in Sausalito was startled from her sleep yesterday by what sounded like a large crowd outside her window. Upon parting her curtains, she was shocked to see more than 5,000 people jamming the streets and sidewalks of her neighborhood.
A number of neighborhood dogs barked furiously at the crowd, led by a man she described as "some dorky looking guy with glasses, a charcoal gray jacket and tan pants." She added, "He kept gesturing at all these other people with red T-shirts, headsets and white hard hats. They just kept milling around, muttering at each other and counting their bars. It was a huge crowd."
She stepped outside and asked them to please leave, but said the dorky guy just shrugged and smiled, looking around like "some kind of idiot," so she went back inside and called the police. Seventy officers arrived promptly, issuing citations to everyone in the crowd. The whole process took more than five hours. Afterward, Officer D. Sperse was quoted as saying, "Now, get the hell out of here! Can YOU hear ME now?"
This is not the first time Sausalito residents have had a problem with their network. Seven times so far this year the police have been summoned in to break up similar crowds, often numbering in the thousands, led by the curious bespectacled loser now well known in the community as "The 'Can You Hear Me Now' Geek." Members of the quiet California town say the crowds are a menace.
"Last time they showed up, they trampled my begonias," complained Marcia Stewart. "And my neighbor's cats ran away. They didn't find them for almost a week."
Al B. Leight says, "Twice now I couldn't make it to work on time because of those bastards. I can't even get out of my garage with people jammed in my driveway like that. It took me half an hour just to make it to the end of the block!"
Allie Smothers protests what she says is "their total lack of respect for our community. They knock over trash cans. They destroy our lawns. Some of them have tool belts that scuff our cars. Last summer, I caught one of them taunting our dog, and this time they knocked over a fence! It's all really very aggravating."
The local police department is frustrated by the crowds too, but says the extra revenue raised by the tremendous volume of citations issued more than justifies the trouble. Police Chief Celly van Gogh says each time the network shows up "...we know we're gonna collect at least half a million dollars. That's a lot of dough, a boost we can really use in this economy. And it creates jobs, too. They've had to hire forty extra courthouse clerks just to process all the citations."
Nevertheless, local residents on other networks are organizing a protest targeting those neighbors who insist on keeping their service provider. They say they'll organize a little crowd of their own. Can you hear THAT, Sausalito?
