Obama's lack of Flag Pin proves he's Satanic
Illinois Senator Barack Obama, the presumptive nominee for president, has been found to be satanic by a research group. The independent research group, "Republicans for Rule of the World," said that based on their evidence, Obama is satanic becaus...
Read full storyLlama Song Rewritten for Obama
The infamous Llama song has been rewritten with new lyrics and is now posted, near the annoying standard, on You Tube. The new song is about Barack Obama and repeats itself, over and over, without stopping (just like the original). Kitty Collins,...
Read full storyHigh Gas prices force Arsonist into Retirement
The recent spikes in gas prices have hurt everyone from small businesses to nine-to-fivers in terms of transportation. While gas prices haven't hurt convicted arsonist Tim Harris' mobility, he has been affected in other ways. "Sadly, I just can...
Read full storyCyrus Re-Exposed!
Miley Cyrus has been embroiled in another photographic fiasco, this time courtesy of Bustler Magazine. The 15-year-old megastar will appear in a 3-month, 3-centerfold hardcore trilogy starting with the December Christmas issue. "Miley had no id...
Read full storyMichael Phelps Has Had His Ass Slapped By George Bush
Michael Phelps, the star of the Beijing Olympics after his record-breaking 8 gold medals in the swimming pool, has admitted that he owes much of his success to President George Bush, who slapped his ass before he left for China. Bush, who also sla...
Read full storyBarack Obama Announces Vice President
After vacation in Hawaii, Barack Obama announced his pick for Vice President. It is a woman, a blond and this should sooth the get even passions of stanch, diehard supporters of Hillary Clinton. However, his vice presidential pick isn't Hillary, but...
Read full storyNew Ministry of Paperwork launched
The new Ministry of Paperworks, MOPS, was launched at a glittering ceremony in Whitehall where journalists had to fill in credit references, criminal record checks and health and safety records, in tripiclate, and with three forms of ID, one photogr...
Read full storyNew Public Holiday announced
The Government has finally bowed to pressure for a public holiday between August and Christmas by announcing one, that is, a new bank holiday. Stealth Tax Monday will take place on the last Monday in October each year, with the usual bank holiday...
Read full storyEmployment Agency actually finds someone a job
In a shock revelation, revelated somewhat earlier today, an employment agency has actually matched someone'd talents to a position and obtained them a job, the first time such a thing has been reported all year. Arthur Dropsy applied to the Acme E...
Read full storyGold Medal Chinese Women's Gymnastics Team Disqualified Due To Age
The Chinese Women's Gymnastics Team took the Olympic Gold Medal in the team competition, but has been disqualified due to the falsification of the ages of some of the team members. News sources had reported several days ago that at least three membe...
Read full storyGeorgia Bulldogs in crisis; Uga leads onlookers in fight song
Auburn Tigers penetrated deep into Georgia territory from the second quarter onward in a complex game strategy loaded with historic conflict and a stadium of screaming fans as the world watches with bated breath, the honor of Georgia's fi...
Read full storyMossad mobster Robert Maxwell is Pretender's real father
London - (Putrid Ass Mess): Royal Archives have revealed that the whinging gargoyle-faced tosspot impostor impersonating the Prince of Wales is none other than serial molestor George Hillman, son of Raine, ex-Countess Spencer and former KGB/Mossad do...
Read full storyScientist will Conduct Experiments with Hurricane Fay
Miami, Florida (IPP) - Scientist flying aboard a NOAA P-31 hurricane hunter will conduct experiments when tropical storm Fay reaches hurricane strength near the island of Cuba. The experiments involve the setting loose of flatulent gas to see if a...
Read full storyReport - 57% of Aristo Kids Now Carry Muskets
As knife crime grips the nation's inner cities, and gangs run amok on council estates across the country, a shocking new report has revealed how teen violence is now spreading to other social demographics. Square-jawed, ruddy-faced groups of youth...
Read full storyIKEA Hijab Hides Message
IKEA, the Swedish furniture shop, has taken the extraordinary step of providing its female Muslim employees with store-designed Hijabs, those headscarfy things, but has run into controversy over the extremist message written on the reverse of the gar...
Read full storyHM the Queen and HRH Prince Philip in the 'do-do' again
Her Royal Highness the Queen and His Royal Highness Prince Philip have once again hit the news, putting the House of Windsor under the public spotlight and casting a shadow on royalty, especially the tabloids, which like to 'big it up' regardless of...
Read full storyNorway admits it thought Eurovision Song Contest supported whaling
The Norwegian Minister for Culture, Olaf Smelzovfisch, has admitted today that his country, famed for a series of "nil points" song entries in the Eurovision Song Contest, originally took part in the event by mistake. He says: "Due to an error in...
Read full storyCar bombs ordered to be more environmentally friendly
The leaders of Al Queda, Hamas, Hezbollah and the Leona Lewis Fan Club have shown unusual co-operation by issuing a joint statement to their respective fanatics and murderers. From 1st September, all car bombs used by suicide and homicide bombers...
Read full storyClothing catalogue run by Triads
A catalogue mail-order firm has today admitted that its popular home shopping catalogue is in fact run by the Triads and is a window for organised crime and people trafficking. Catalogue manager, Salo Return, made this astonishing revelation in po...
Read full storyNew tabloid newspaper quiz set to be a record-breaker
Two 'red-top' British tabloids - the Sun and Daily Star - are set to co-operatively launch what is said to be the UK's biggest ever daily newspaper quiz, which threatens to tumble the National Lottery from its crown position. With daily prizes be...
Read full storyNew knife-crime website criticised
A new 'amnesty' website aimed at reducing knife crime has attracted fierce criticism from people who criticise such things. Operated by the Metrololitan Police as a site where teenagers, hoodies and Gordon Ramsay can own up to their crimes against...
Read full storyFirst ever live TV autopsy performed on Big Brother
Television history was made last night when the first ever live autopsy was performed on a Big Brother contestant. In an effort to ease flagging ratings for the show, housemate Wally Schmuck, 27, from Gravesend, volunteered for the live autopsy, p...
Read full storyMcCain wears pillowcase to Alabama press conference
Selma, AL - Presidential candidate John McCain showed up at a press conference in Selma wearing a white pillowcase over his head with eye holes cut out. He apologized to the audience, telling them that his skin is highly sensitive to sunlight and he...
Read full storyInternet service providers to target LEGAL downloads
Following on from the recent decision by internet service providers to target illegal file sharing, they will now also be targeting internet users who legally download files. Industry spokeswoman, Virginia Tiskally, said: "We can understand the...
Read full storyThe truth about John Denver
New papers released today by the New Musical Express have revealed the shocking truth behind what happened to John Denver prior to his death in 1997. It would appear that in 1995, he had an argument with his record label over royalties, and as a r...
Read full storyDavid Blunkett to present dating show on ITV
With queen of the dating shows Cilla Black to present a new dating show on Sky, ITV are hitting back with a revamped format of the show to be hosted by David Blunkett. Called "Impaired Vision Date" the show, in the regular, recognised format, will...
Read full storyYet another group livid over recent rise in price of gas
Another major representative organisation in the UK has stepped forward to slam both British Gas and the Government for the recent hike in the price of gas. It has written a very strongly-worded letter to both Prime Minister Gordon Brown and the Chie...
Read full storyEmma Watson shocked that Daniel Radcliffe tried to get into her pants
In a story that nearly blew the world of show-business away, or at least nearly blew the stuff Pete Doherty and Amy Winehouse sniff away, Harry Potter lead star Daniel Radcliffe has today shocked fellow Potter star Emma Watson. Emma explained:...
Read full storyRecords broken and barriers overcome at Olympics
A couple of days into the Olympics, and despite the impression given by the Chinese authorities that they are a bunch of oppressive old dictators frightened by democracy, things appear to be going extraordinarily well, or in the case of the Americans...
Read full storyGladys Knight cancels her famous "Midnight Train to Gerogia" song
Gladys Knight, who is famous for her Pips, has decided to cancel her midnight train to Georgia. At a tear-filled press conference earlier today, she said that given the recent trouble between Georgia and Russia, she felt she could no longer justif...
Read full storyBig Foot Discovered in Sasquatch Georgia
Sasquatch, Georgia (IPP) _ The search for Big Foot is over. A Georgia man has collected the one-million dollar reward that was offered to the first person to prove that Big Foot really exists. Jimmy McClure was driving south on Highway 41 in cen...
Read full storyPrince Jefri Archer blamed for Brunei getting booted from Olympics
Beijing - (Daftass Mess): "I blame top Brunei mobster Prince Jefri for the catastrophe," the IOC's Chinese CEO Wang Wei Wanki said today after althletes from Brunei Darussalam were banned from the 2008 Olympic Games. The gangster princeling is cu...
Read full storyPutin vows to nuke Warsaw after Mrs P runs off with Polish plumber
Moscow - (Lublyanka Mess): And you thought the cold war ended with Robert Maxwell skinny-dipping with the fishes in the Med back in 1990? Fat chance. Russian Prime Monster Vlad 'The Impaler' Putin has vowed this week to nuke the living daylights...
Read full storyJohn McCain will put Mark Foley on Three Dollar Bill
New York, New York (IPP) - John McCain announced today that he will put Mark foley's face on a new denomination of three dollar bills if he is elected president. Republican Representative from Florida, Mark Foley, was brought down by a gay scandal...
Read full storyPerseid Meteor Shower Triggers Mountain Landslide
Murphy, North Carolina (IPP) - The Perseid Meteor shower was so intense on the night of August 11th that it triggered a landslide along Interstate 74 in North Carolina. Meteorites fell on a top of a mountain that overlooks the four lane interstat...
Read full storySurvivorman Eaten by Large Clam
Quebec, Canada (IPP) - Quebec authorities report that Survivorman star, Les Stroud, was eaten by a large clam on Cocos Island in the Eastern Pacific Ocean. A spokesman for Les Stroud stated that the star of "Survivorman" was cooking a large clam...
Read full storyMcCain Picks Jeb Bush for VP
Tallahassee, Florida (IPP) - John McCain startled the political world today when he picked Jeb Bush to be his Vice Presidential candidate. Jeb Bush is the brother of George W. Bush and was the last governor of Florida. Jeb has been staying in Ta...
Read full storyLondon 2012 Olympics 'will use CGI' - Seb Coe
Sebastian Coe, chairman of the London Organising Committee for the Olympic Games, has said that his team has learned lessons from the controversy surrounding the use of Computer Generated Imagery (CGI) during the Beijing Olympics and promises to be o...
Read full storyRooney's Nigerian Granny Shag-a-thon
Serial granny shagging, Football fat boy Wayne Rooney has been up to his old tricks again while in Nigeria. After returning to England, Wayne was said to have picked up a "stomach bug" from the local cuisine! But we can exclusively reveal it wa...
Read full storyObama Considered Ending Affirmative Action in Quest for National Unity, White Vote
A recording surfaced today from Obama's Unity, PA meeting with Hillary Clinton July 10th revealing that Obama discussed ending affirmative action in order to court the white vote, according to Fox News sources. "We have the black vote in our back...
Read full storyPelosi: "Congress Promises to Continue to do Nothing during Recess"
Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi today promised a sparse, beachfront gathering beneath the balcony of her Malibu time-share that Congress would "continue to do nothing" during its summer recess. The statement was greeted with meager applause from...
Read full storyPelosi Brain Tumor Rumor Tanks Oil Prices
Wall Street oil speculators ran for cover recently amidst rumors that US Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi had a brain tumor. Fearful that Pelosi's absence would allow the lifting of the US ban on off-shore drilling, oil speculators fiercely cover...
Read full storyUse of Bibles in Homes Changing
The International Bible and Scripture Society had done research indicating that the use of the family Bible (and Koran, Book of Mormon, and Torah) is changing in modern times. Society President Abraham Chavez offered the following: "It used to be...
Read full storyRecession hits doughnut business, cops distraught!
A big blow was delivered to the public today after Dunkan's Donuts and Kirsty's Kreme announced they will be closing all their premises worldwide because of the recession and rising prices of cream and icing. A spokesman for Kirsty's Kreme, who's...
Read full storyMark Spitz Challenges Michael Phelps to Race
Upset with the huge success of Michael Phelps at this year's Olympic games and the fact that all of his one time world records have fallen, former swimmer Mark Spitz has decided to come out of retirement and challenge Michael Phelps to a race. Spi...
Read full storySunday School Teachers Sue For Weekends Off
A group of Sunday School teachers representing Methodist, Baptist, Mormon, and independent churches in Mobile, Alabama have sued in state court for weekends off. The protest was also accompanied by picketing outside of the respective churches. Su...
Read full storyHave YOU Ever Thought About Cutting Someone's Head Off?
Well, have you? Never? Oh, come on! There must have been a time when someone pushed you to the limits, wound you up [strong][i]so much[/i][/strong] that you felt like you just couldn't take any more of it - what about then? Couldn't you have taken [strong]an axe[/strong] to their head or, better still, sliced it off with [strong]a diver's scabbard[/strong]? Yes, that's it! You're remembering no...
Read full storyMadonna In Secret Botox Op
Queen of Pop, Madonna, 50, has been praised recently for how good she looks at fifty without using cosmetic surgery or endless beauty products. But the truth (well, not so much truth...more a lie really) is that a Harley Street doctor was paid £2500...
Read full storyEastenders' Sean Arrested
Psychopath Sean Slater of the BBC soap, Eastenders, has been lifted by 'The Ol' Bill' for Crimes To Acting. The Psycho-turned Romeo-turned Psycho-turned Loverat-turned Father-turned Psycho-turned Fiance-turned Psycho Sean, was arrested amid wild s...
Read full storyMcCain Chooses Paris Hilton to be Running Mate
Fox Trot, Idaho - John McCain used a routine campaign stop while stumping in Idaho, in the town of Spudnik, to drop a bombshell. The bombshell in this case happens to be Paris Hilton, now officially John McCains running mate. "It was a tough deci...
Read full storyGoth Detectives In Secret Civil Partnership
Goth Detectives Noel Fielding and Russell Brand have been married in a drunken civil partnership on a trip to Las Vegas. The comedy duo are notorious womanisers, seen pictured with many different women in a single week. Fielding, 35, has also be...
Read full storyRosie O'Donnell Returns To ABC
New Yawk, NY-- Rosie O'Donnell will make a less-than-triumphant return to network television this fall. Rosie has been hired as a cleaning woman by ABC Studios in New Yawk City. She will be cleaning floors, windows and bathroom stalls. The bullying b...
Read full storyThaksin Shinawatra Becomes Victim Of Thai Ice Age
Thaksin Shinawatra, the ex-Prime Minister of Thailand, and current owner of English Premier League football club, Manchester City, flew into London today, bringing bizarre reports of an Ice Age in his home country. Mr Shinawatra is in serious trou...
Read full storyLondon 2012 Olympic Flame To Be Lit By EastEnders' Dot Cotton
The extravagant opening ceremony at the Beijing Olympic Games, has inspired the organisers of the London 2012 Games, to ask Dot Cotton of the BBC1 soap EastEnders, to light the 2012 Olympic flame with one of her tab ends. After the organisers witn...
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