Television history was made last night when the first ever live autopsy was performed on a Big Brother contestant.
In an effort to ease flagging ratings for the show, housemate Wally Schmuck, 27, from Gravesend, volunteered for the live autopsy, performed by fellow show housemates Imelda Dimwit and John Bidet.
Although the show producers had assumed contestant Schmuck was already brain-dead when he originally auditioned to take part in the programme, the live autopsy proved that it was almost 100% certain he was alive both before and after the procedure.
Supervising medical consultant to the show, Dr Adolf Shipman said:
"This was truly remarkable TV even if I say so myself, which is what I just have done. So as to be seen to be acting responsibly, and in an effort not to encourage knife culture, the autopsy was performed using only forks, spooks, spatulas and a Hilti industrial hammer drill."
The autopsy revealed that Schmuck had indeed been alive, although brain activity had actually ceased some eight years previously when he had 20% of his body covered in tattoos and his eyebrow, lip, nose and cheek pierced.
Using specially tailored pieces of MDF, the adhesive product "No More Nails" and several boxes of Elastoplast, the team were able to reassemble Schmuck, and it is likely he will return to the show early next week.
Commenting on the autopsy, Wally Schmuck said:
"Although in my heart of hearts I admit that I have been brain-dead for years now, I was delighted to have been a part of this little piece of TV history. Now please forgive me if I dash off for a drink of Mr Sheen."
