Wal-Mart Abandons Bank Plans
BENTONVILLE, ARK -- Wal-Mart, the universe's biggest retailer, with over $703,409 gazillion in sales last quarter, has abandoned plans to enter the banking business. The move comes after a Republican lawmaker released an email showing that the r...
Read full storyBush Proposes New Plan to Win War On Terrorism: Convert America To Islam
In a special address to America carried on television last night, President Bush called on all Americans to convert to Islam as a way to end the War on Terror.
Read full storyRolf Harris to unveil topless Pope portrait
Sydney - (Ass Press): Australian entertainer and royal portrait artist Rolf Harris is to unveil his latest celebrity painting of the topless reclining figure of Pope Joseph Ratzinger relaxing in the Vatican's private hot tub.
Read full storyToying with Iraq War Strategy
BAGDAD -- It began simply enough. Children across the country started drives to collect Silly String to ship to troops in Iraq after learning it could be used to detect booby traps. Then, slowly but inexorably, things began spiraling out of contro...
Read full storyBush to pardon Naomi, hire her as Shia Law stoning instructor
New York - (Ass Press): Naomi Campbell has personally petitioned President Bush for a full pardon ahead of her cruel and unusual sentence of working as a scrubber for the New York Sanitation Department starting on Monday.
Read full storyDid Moses free ALL our Jewish cousins from bondage?
Ball gag Israeli Ambassador to El Salvador, Tsuriel Raphael has surprisingly been recalled to Israel after being discovered wearing his birthday suit, whilst being drunk as a skunk.
Read full storyNew Book By Distinguished British Historian Proves Jimmy Carter Was KGB Mole
In a book to be released today, Distinguished British Historian Hugh Trevor Jones-Smith argues that Jimmy Carter was a KGB Mole.
Read full storyMothers Day Strike Action Planned
Mothers all over the country will go on strike from midnight tonight, in a bid for more recognition.
Read full storyPaddy Waggon for Saint Fat Rick
A man Identifying himself as St. Fat-Rick was taken into custody following the St Patricks Day Parade in New York City Saturday.
Read full storyWhore on Terra protest Christians thrown into lying den
Washington DC - (Ass Press): Thousands of evangelical Christians whose slavish support for George W Bush's global Whore on Terra campaign culminated in riot and mayhem last night were arrested outside Washington National Cathedral.
Read full story"Sinbad Dead" Errs Wikipedia
CYBERSPASE -- Wikipedia, the online encyclopedia, recently reported, prematurely as it turns out, the death of comedic actor Sinbad. The mistake was discovered and corrected in less than an hour, with Sinbad's page temporarily "protected f...
Read full storyHarvard Board of Overseers to Donate University's $29.2 Billion Endowment to Charity.
At a press conference in Cambridge Massachusetts the Harvard Board of Overseers announced that it had voted to donate the University's $29.2 Billion endowment to charity.
Read full storyDixie Chicks Announce "Triumph of the Chicks Tour"
To a hushed crowd of street people gathered at the foot of the equestrian statue of George Washington, in Union Square, New York City, the Dixie Chicks announced their "Triumph of the Chicks Tour."...
Read full storySinbad dies - returns as flesh eating zombie
'Houseguest' and 'Jingle All The Way' star Sinbad (real name David Adkins), who died on stage last week during his stand-up comedy act, has returned as a flesh-eating zombie. News of his death, leaked on Wednesday, appeared briefly on...
Read full storyBush begging Bauer banter backfires badly
In a shocking and unplanned press conference, President Bush begged for Jack Bauer to come out of hiding and help his country in its hour of need. "We need you Jack" the President said.
Read full storyFame Academy Title Goes To Talentless Tara
There was shock last night at the Comic Relief Does Fame Academy studio as Para Talmer Pomkinson took the title in, what can only be described as, Charitable circumstances.
Read full storySony Playstation 3 British Release Postponed
As games officianados ticked the final few days off their calendars before the release of the SONY PS3, the company has some bad news for its British customers. The release date of the PS3 in Britain, set for March 23rd 2007, has had to be postpon...
Read full storyJack vs Makers The Long War
Drip, drip, drip went the incessant sound that accompanied the seeping, sodden, matter leaking from Mr. Jack Daniels ceiling.
Read full storyPlame Was Undercover Agent Reveals Witness at Waxman Hearings
A bombshell was dropped by a surprise witness at the Waxman hearings this afternoon concerning the undercover status of CIA agent Valerie Plame. Speaking with his head covered by a brown paper bag, the anonymous CIA agent testified that he had direct...
Read full storyFrank Lampard to Juventus, Wayne Rooney to Barcelona, Jose Mourinho to Real Madrid, Steven Gerrard to the moon.
Rumours are flying today, that a number of English Football's biggest names will soon be plying their trade elsewhere. Several sources are reporting that Frank Lampard, Wayne Rooney and Jose Mourinho will all be involved in big money moves to It...
Read full storyDiscovery of Caves on Mars Leads Scientists to Obvious Conclusion... Martian Bears.
Seven 'cave entrances' have been discovered on the surface of Mars by NASA's Odyssey space craft. The caves have excited the Scientific Community, who are very easily excited.
Read full storyYogi Berra Named Iraqi President!
Yankee great Yogi Berra has been named Iraq's new President. Bush declared: "This bear and his little buddy showed great ingenuity in all of their adventures, there isn't that much difference between a park rangers and terrorists and pic...
Read full storyDonald Trump Plans Times Square Parade for Son's Birthday
Barron William Trump will celebrate his first birthday in style -- with a parade, as well as burgers and ice cream sundaes for a few family members and friends at the Hard Rock Café.
Read full storyLaura Bush Dons White Glove! George's Ratings Plummet!
The white glove test has always been the lady of the house's way to check on the dusting. The First Lady of the White House appears to be no different! After examining the furniture throughout the Presidential Palace, Laura found George's dus...
Read full storyPlame Gate simmers
WASHINGTON DC - In Congressional hearings on the CIA leak investigation, Virginia Congressman Tom Davis illustrated just what is wrong with those associated with the Republican Party. His line of inquiry directed at the honorable Mrs. Valerie Plame...
Read full storyTennessee preacher arrested for bashing the bishop
Reverend Willie Jefferson, pastor of Trinity Tabernacle Church of God and Christ in Knoxville, Tennesee has a picture of Jesus tattooed on the end of his knob. He claims it's his unique way of delivering his message to the faithful that "Jes...
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