There was shock last night at the Comic Relief Does Fame Academy studio as Para Talmer Pomkinson took the title in, what can only be described as, Charitable circumstances.
Para, who can't sing for toffee, alternatively droned and screeched her way through the tournament, but still managed to come up smelling of roses when Great Britain's legions of grandmothers picked up their phones to vote.
The British, who love an underdog, never mind 'just a dog', were always going to take Para, the ever-so-rich society girl, to their hearts, and she received 90% of all votes cast, which was 9 votes.
Singing for all she was worth, which is not much, she transformed the Final into a bad karaoke night, punishing the audience's ears with a plethora of mis-hit notes in her tortuous version of the famous Pinky and Perky ditty, 'How Much Is That Doggie In The Window'.
Several of those watching passed out, and many more ran for the exits, but when the votes were in, Para was crowned Queen of Not Very Much, and took her bow.
"Thanks awfully", she said, and popped open a bottle of champagne.
Simon Cowell, watching from his home in Los Angeles was almost speechless:
"I..er...I...um..she's awful", he said.
Barry Evans, who was expelled in the semi-finals, watched from the wings and said to an observer:
"I was supposed to win this competition, but I've been robbed by the evil grandmas of Great Britain."
