Nostradamus - He's At It Again!
The seer and visionary Nostradamus - who came back to life half an hour ago - has proclaimed that vague, obscure and nebulous things will occur sometime in the future.
Read full storyBin Laden Found in Bush's Bath
Osama Bin Laden, one of the worlds most wanted terrorists, was today found safe and well in a bath at the White House.
Read full story"Stone Cold" Steve Austin: The New Spider-Man in the 2009 flick "Spider-Man 4"
Director Sam Raimi and Marvel/Spider-Man creator Stan Lee are currently in talks with Columbia Pictures and first movie script writer David Koepp about making a fourth movie. However, if such a thing is to happen, leading actor Tobey Maguire will not...
Read full storyWhy I Hate War: View From a Soldier
"War is hell." I'm not sure exactly who said that, but I know it to be true. Though I was never actually in combat myself, I did watch "Saving Private Ryan", so I'm a bit of an authority on that subject. Sometimes, though, peace time can be just as brutal.
Read full storyBranson vs. Murdoch on Pay-Per-View
It was today confirmed that Virgin Media mogul Richard Branson will fight Sky boss Rupert Murdoch in a Texas death match to decide who was right in the row over Sky channels.
Read full storyViagra soap perks up your shower
London - (Ass Mess): The UK National Poisons Unit has patented a new application of the Viagra pill which has been blended with the brand-leading Hairball Essences shower gel to help users wake up in the morning.
Read full storyPrince Charles Selected to Be the Next James Bond
BCC - The United Artists group has had disaster after disaster trying to cast new James Bonds. In an effort to put an end to their distress, UA has picked Prince Charles to be the new James Bond.
Read full storyThe Outline - a story in briefs
It was the best of times. It was the worst of times. . .
Read full storyJohn Edwards Wishes Sandy Cannon Would Cut His Hair
(Los Angeles, CA) -- Former US Senator John Edwards (D-NC) running for the Democratic nomination for President took time today to explain his $400 haircut in Los Angeles. "If I were back in the Senate," Edwards explained, "Sandy Cannon...
Read full storyAngelina Jolie Adopts Alec Baldwin, Other Baldwin Bros. Feel Like SH*t
(Hollyweird) -- UN Very Special Envoy, International Woman of Mylar, & Compulsive Adopter Angelina Jolie is en route to this sleepy Southern California town to adopt Film Actors Guild (F.A.G.) Father of the Year, Alec Baldwin, star of television, fil...
Read full storyWolfowitz Offers To Have Girlfriend Pose for Playboy or Penthouse
WASHINGTON (Reuters) - The World Bank's board met privately on Friday to discuss President Paul Wolfowitz's offer to have his girlfriend Shaha Riza pose for Playboy or Penthouse "to show just how hot she really is."...
Read full storyCash for honors cops dump Blair
London - (Ass Mess): As he heads for his weekend retreat of Chequers UK Prime Monster Tony Blair has been told he may not survive another 24 hours in office following the police decision to hand over all the evidence to the Crown Prosecution Service...
Read full storyX Factor Phone Voting Scandal Continues
ITV's X-Factor has suffered another massive blow after they illegally charged for phone calls this week. ICTIS the phone line watchdog was publishing results of its investigation into the popular programme but before it did, it phoned the product...
Read full storyProminent Republicans Demand Gonzales Take Alzheimer's Drug
Though tests in March proved he did not have Alzheimer's disease, embattled Attorney General Alberto Gonzales faced growing demands from leading Republicans to take the Alzheimer's drug, Aricept®, even as the White House continued to back his...
Read full storyV.P. Dick Cheney accepts role in Star Trek XI
Hot on the heels of the rumor of Matt Damon in the role of a young Captain James T. Kirk, Star Trek XI producer J.J. Abrahms has confirmed that American Vice-President Dick Cheney has accepted a role in the forthcoming blockbuster motion picture.
Read full storySurgeons "stealing body parts"
As the Government announced another inquiry into hospitals stealing body parts, it has come to light that surgeons in yet another hospital in London have been up to no good. In order to finance their country club, golfing, first class airfare life,
Read full storyBush Has Historians Jailed
CCN (Crazy Cal News) - WASHINGTON, D.C. - Today, after conveying his belief that history will be kind to him, named all U.S. historians "enemy combatants" and had them arrested. President Bush, in a statement to the press, said, "We h...
Read full storyBaby Look At You Now
Doreen Spanner is a proud mum today for her son, Damian (2), has become the youngest undergraduate at the world famous Uxbridge University.
Read full storyHer Majesty The Queen Gets Nits During Albert Square Visit
Her Majesty Queen Elizabeth II got more than she bargained for on a recent visit to the Albert Square set of BBC soap EastEnders, for, as well as a guided tour and a gin & tonic at the Queen Vic, she returned home wi...
Read full storySatellite Radio Dispute Intensifies
The conflict between satellite radio firms became a shooting war today. Sirius announced they shot down one of rival XM's satellites.
Read full storyPolice Arrest Scoutmaster For "Being Unprepared"
Police in the West Midlands have today arrested a Scoutmaster who, in a direct contravention of the ancient rules laid down by Lord Baden-Powell, took some Boy Scouts out on a camping trip &q...
Read full storyF.A.G. Names Alec Baldwin Father of the Year
(Hollyweird) -- The Film Actors Guild (F.A.G.) has named Alec Baldwin Father of the Year. "In view of his fine acting in 30 Rock as well as feature film The Departed. Alec is deserving of this fine award," said F.A.G. Prexy Jock Valenti.
Read full storyDuncan Fletcher Told "You're Out!"
Duncan Fletcher is to step down from his lofty role as England's cricket coach after their last World Cup match against the West Indies on Saturday.
Read full storyBush, Showing Signs of Delusion, Suggests History Will Be Kind to Him
CCN (Crazy Cal News) - Washington - President George W. Bush, showing signs of delusion and grandeur, announced that he would not buckle to polls showing opinion cutting against him on a variety of issues, and conveyed his belief that he would be vin...
Read full storyBeach Boys' Mike Love to Run For President
(Malibu, CA) -- Beach Boy's singer songwriter Mike Love (I-Warner Bros.) announced today he will run for President of the United States. He explained the unusual move by pointing to John McCain (R-Hanoi Hilton), "John McCain has been doing...
Read full storyJohn "Bomb Bomb Iran" McCain To Campaign With Beachboys, Boomer Bands
(Phoenix, Arizona) -- Sen John McCain (R-AZ), once a Presidential hopeful, has sought to shore up his flailing presidential campaign by combining his "straight talk" message with boomer music.
Read full storyCash for honours file to disappear
Scotland Yard detectives investigating the "cash for honours" affair handed over their main evidence file to the Crown Prosecution Service.
Read full storyWales to become car park!
Transport Minister, Douglas Alexander, has unveiled radical plans to tackle the UK's congestion problems. This plan has been heralded as a new dawn in car parking and could arguably be the largest "Park and Ride" project on the face of...
Read full storyBillionaire Leaves Fortune To Fortune Teller
HONG KONG (AFP) - In a shocking twist of fate, Asia's richest woman left her wealth to her fortune-teller in her last known will, Hong Kong media reported Thursday. The fortune teller is predicting a costly legal battle to control her multi-billi...
Read full storyFood isn't Safe Study Shows
A study by the university of Hogwarts has discovered that food is unsafe and shouldn't be consumed by humans.
Read full storyGeorge Bush Signs Record Deal With Def Jam
The News of the World - New York, April 20 - After many heated negotiations, George W. Bush has signed a five year contract with Def Jam Records.
Read full storyChubby Brown Elected as UN Spokesman
Comedian Roy "Chubby" Brown was today elected as the new spokesman for the United Nations.
Read full storyBlair will sign for Newcastle after downing street.
Newcastle United have today confirmed that Prime Minister Tony Blair will wear the famous number nine jersey next season.
Read full storyWogan "its a wig"
Terry Wogan finally admmitted today what the whole of Great Britain already knew when he declared "I Wear a Wig".
Read full storyKate tells pals: "When I kissed Prince Charming he turned into a frog"
London - (Ass Mess): It was over before it ever began. And now friends of Kate Middleton have told press reporters of her shock and upset when her first kiss with William turned into a macabre nightmare of Grimm Brothers proportions.
Read full storyPsychiatrists' report says William 'psychologically flawed'
London - (Ass Mess): It's no wonder Kate Middleton dumped the Pretender to the Throne's son William.
Read full storyPassengers reach for the sickbag as Heather Mills dances mile high
Atlantic Ocean - (Ass Mess): It's every passenger's top nightmare. A ten hour non-stop flight from LA to London and the on board entertainment system suddenly fails. Then who should spring up from their first class seat and offer to cheer u...
Read full storyIran suspected as Marie Celeste 'ghost yacht' found off North Queensland
Australia - (Rioters): Pesky Iranian fundamentalists are once again the top suspects as a mysterious Marie Celeste-type of ghost yacht was found drifting off the North Queensland coast yesterday.
Read full storyBrad Pitt, Guy Ritchie seek solace in each other, while without wives
It must be lonely at the top, the spouse is out and you're stuck at home twiddling your thumbs, playing pocket billiards in your 18 roomed Devonshire pile.
Read full storyOvereater Wants Jello To Reconsider
Samuel "Hoot" Dawson insists he isn't trying to cause trouble for the gelatin dessert empire, but he is adamant that they rethink their long-time advertising tag, "There's always room for Jell-O!"...
Read full storyRove: "I Wish The Iraq War Never Existed - It Was Gonzales Idea"
WASHINGTON, D.C. - During an Ohio visit yesterday, White House senior political adviser Karl Rove claimed he "never wanted the war in Iraq."...
Read full storyA Whale Dies In Brooklyn!
A young 5, 000 pound whale, nickednamed Brooklyn Dodger seemed to be doing fine in the waters off of Brooklyn, NYC until yesterday when the marine mammal began to thrash around in the waters. The magnificent creature suddenly beached itself on a dock...
Read full storyGates Grants Comp Time to Troops!
New Secretary of Defense Robert Gates has denied pay raises to War-torn soldiers some of whose families are on food stamps and other types of government welfare. Gates who is a millionaire like most of Bush's buddies, except for the billionaires...
Read full story"Dr" Kennedy Decides on Medical Procedure!
"Dr" Anthony Kennedy JD has decided that he has the expertise to determine what medical procedure is appropriate to resolve a late-term crisis pregnancy. After numerous years as a top notch lawyer and judge Doctor Tony thinks he has the sci...
Read full storyHouse Passes Loan Disaster Bill, Bankrupts U.S.
The New York High Times - In a reaction to the delays and confusion that marked the agency's response to Hurricane Katrina and other 2005 hurricanes, the House passed a disaster loan bill.
Read full storyAfter Senators Grill Gonzales, With Side of Fries, Makes a DC Happy Meal
(Have A Hart Bidg., DC) -- US Attorney General & Longtime Bush Yes Man Alberto "Speedy" Gonzales, faced withering criticism today from Republican members of the Senate Judiciary & Public Floggings Committee.
Read full storyRepublicans Oust Medicare Drug Price Negotiation
The New York High Times - WASHINGTON, April 18 - Democrats watched in horror as the Republican Majority, now known as "The Empire," Struck Back today.
Read full storyWalmart Acquires War
Citing rising costs in the ongoing wars in Iraq and Afghanistan, the U.S. Defense Department today unveiled a deal that puts Walmart in charge of running the war.
Read full storyLampard: It's just not fair
Chelsea's over-rated housewife, Frank Lampard, has today poured his heart out to local reporters about Manchester United's advantage over his club.
Read full storyAlberto Gonzales Called A Greasy Wetback
WASHINGTON D.C.--(NOBSDCNOOZ) Attorney General Alberto Gonzales insisted yesterday he had only a small role in the dismissal of eight federal prosecutors. Disbelieving senators reacted calling the Attorney General a "gre...
Read full storyGonzales faces tough questions on Hillary Clinton
Washington DC - (Ass Mess): The Bush Administration's Asshole General faces some tough quesitons from the Senate Interrogation Comittee this week after he ran out of excuses for delaying his testimony any further despite some lucky personal break...
Read full storySheringham unsure about his future
Teddy Sheringham has admitted to the press that he is unsure whether he will ever play for his football club, West Ham United, ever again. Sheringham, 74, has not played since January, and was publicly heard saying 'I may by using a walking frame,...
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