Many obituaries aspire to greatness, but few can match the memorials this week for lard-arsed coke-fiend Diego Maradona, who died aged 60. "I couldn't believe what I was reading," said death expert Geoff Ashes. "It's what we in the business call l…
Diego Maradona, the Argentine footballing genius that almost-singlehandedly derailed England's World Cup dream in Mexico, in 1986, in a bizarre incident that became known as the 'Hand of God', has been involved in yet another incident springing from…
A man who, in his younger days, followed football as enthusiastically as it was possible to do, has said that he has now lost all interest in the game, and, actually, couldn't give a fuck about it. Moys Kenwood, now 57, became a football fan on 23…
There was a stunned silence in a local school classroom this afternoon, when, after one of the students had had the audacity to pronounce that his Science teacher was "boring", the teacher in question decided to prove just how 'unboring' he actually…
After all the many controversies concerning the Manchester United and England defender 'Harry Maguire' over the last two years, it's been revealed that the hard-as-nails Brick Shithouse is merely a fictional character created by the overactive imagin…
It's what the newspapers have all been waiting for, the scoop of the moment, as the Manchester United captain, Harry Maguire, has announced that he is to commence writing a book documenting his recent nightmare experience on the Greek holiday island…
Marcus Rashford, the Manchester United and England striker who has done so much for hungry children by petitioning the government for free school meals during the lockdown, has "put his money where his mouth is", and has vowed to donate 90% of his sa…
Sky Sports have announced plans to include racist, homophobic, sexualized and other hateful slurs to enliven viewers' experiences, starting with next weekend's Premier League football broadcasts. "Our research uncovered strong viewer demand for an…
SAO PAULO, Brazil – (Sports Satire) – One of the world’s most famous soccer players, Pele, recently spoke with Cristiano Ronaldo who plays with Juventus. Sports Balls Illustrated Magazine reports that Pele, who is the president of the Sao Paulo R…
LOS ANGELES – (Sports Satire) – The Los Angeles Post-Gazette spoke with L.A. Galaxy star Javier Hernandez, better known as Chicharito. The 32-year-old expressed that he is very upset and unhappy with the teams (4-9-3) record. He noted that sale…
There was sensational news coming out of Old Trafford this morning, as Manchester United captain and England defender, Harry Maguire, made a shock announcement to the effect that he intends to retire from football, and to pursue a career in a differe…
TURIM, Italy – (Sports Satire) – Italy’s La Pizzeria News Agency is reporting that Cristiano Ronaldo, who plays for Juventus, has just tested positive for the dreaded COVID-19 virus. The 35-year-old Ronaldo, who is considered one of the greatest f…
All good things must come to an end, and so it was with Hull City's 'perfect' start to the new football season, when they visited Fleetwood Town last night, and normal service was resumed, after the Tigers were both battered and trounced in a humblin…
The Premer League season may only have kicked off three weeks ago, but after a disastrous weekend for Manchester United, when they were humbled 6-1 by Tottenham Hotspur at Old Trafford, fans are keen to offload 'liability' central defender and captai…
After the English Premier League introduced new technology in the form of a Video Assistant Referee last season, it has been revealed that many of them are too terrified to actually watch a game, and are afraid that they are being haunted by the spir…
In news that will surprise many readers, the Manchester United and England defender, Harry Maguire, has said he has 'learnt his Greek lesson', and, these days, never takes his face mask off. Maguire was recently arrested on the Greek sunshine isla…
An American tourist who was visiting England for the first time recently, got into a 'sticky situation' when he walked into a Manchester pub and spoke in a way that he imagined might endear him the locals. The 'cousin from across the Pond', Abel R…
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