American Tourist Tries To Blend In With Manchester Locals

Funny story written by Monkey Woods

Wednesday, 23 September 2020

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Manchester earlier

An American tourist who was visiting England for the first time recently, got into a 'sticky situation' when he walked into a Manchester pub and spoke in a way that he imagined might endear him the locals.

The 'cousin from across the Pond', Abel Rodriguez, of Texas, strode into the heaving Mithering Get public house in Piccadilly wearing a traditional 10-gallon Stetson hat and cowboy boots, and, beaming left and right, addressed the barman in his broadest southern drawl:

"Well, good afternoon, stout yeoman. Please furnish me with a pint of your finest beer, whatever that beverage currently happens to be!"

The barman, Alf, said:

"You what?"

Another drinker, Ray Smith, took in the visitor with a glance, and told the barman to give Rodriguez a pint of Boddington's, which he did. Then, attempting to strike up a conversation, Smith asked the Texan if this was his first time in England. Said Rodriguez:

"Ah, yes, my spiffing good chap. I say, do Prince Harry and his lady wife, the Duchess of Sussex, Meghan, frequent this inn?"

"Not often, mate," said Ray.

Rodriguez looked disappointed. A drinker next to him cleared his throat and spat in the sawdust on the floor.

Somewhere nearby, glass smashed.

Rodriguez addressed Smith, pronouncing all of his letters:

"Perchance you could assist me in a small endeavour. I would very much like to attend a game of socc ... ahem, I mean, football, and should like to enquire of your good self where I could obtain tickets to watch the Manchester United Red Devils team perform."

Ray's eyes bulged as he choked on his pint. The whole pub turned to look at the speaker, and, in the corner, the piano stopped.

Alf the barman said:

"You what?"

Mr. Rodriguez quietly put his unfinished pint back on the bar, and made for the door.

As he reached the street, he could hear the entire pub erupt with laughter.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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