Harry Maguire To Retire From Football

Funny story written by Monkey Woods

Thursday, 15 October 2020

image for Harry Maguire To Retire From Football
Maguire wondering whether or not to go out on his bike earlier

There was sensational news coming out of Old Trafford this morning, as Manchester United captain and England defender, Harry Maguire, made a shock announcement to the effect that he intends to retire from football, and to pursue a career in a different field.

The bombshell came only hours after the player's 31st-minute dismissal in England's 1-0 defeat at the hands of Denmark at Wembley last night.

Maguire, 27, has had a terrible time of things lately. The subject of much criticism from fans and pundits alike, he has found it difficult living up to his £80million transfer price tag, and, several times, has left fans thinking they've signed a Sunday League donkey.

And all this after his 'Greek tragedy' on Mykonos where he was arrested for assaulting local police, whilst 'on holiday' during the Lockdown.

Speaking at a hastily-arranged news conference this morning, Maguire told journalists that he had "had enough", and that he never wanted to see another football as long as he lived.

He said:

"Ah, it's shit playing here. I always hated Manchester United growing up, and I still do. In fact, more than ever, if I'm honest!"

Asked about whether a transfer might not be a better idea than retirement, Maguire said:

"Nah, I'm fed up. Football's crap, and I'm not very good at it, so I might as well 'hang up me boots' now."

As for what he'll do instead, Maguire was unsure.

"Hmm, there's a toughie. Don't know. I could become an astronaut, or a train driver, I suppose. I've always fancied that. Or I could just play conkers and ride about the streets on me bike."

Money won't a problem, as he received a very reasonable cut from his £80million transfer fee, and the Yorkshireman has been stealing in excess of £180,000-a-week off United for well over a year.

"I'll get by," he said, "but if I can't, there's always the dole."

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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