Harry Maguire Revealed To Be Mere Figment Of Spoof Writer's Imagination

Funny story written by Monkey Woods

Sunday, 22 November 2020

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Not Maguire - I've just told you: he's made up

After all the many controversies concerning the Manchester United and England defender 'Harry Maguire' over the last two years, it's been revealed that the hard-as-nails Brick Shithouse is merely a fictional character created by the overactive imagination of a writer on the satirical news website, TheSpoof.com.

Maguire, described as "27", had been portrayed as a Yorkshire footballer hailing from Sheffield, who had played for Sheffield United, Hull City, and Leicester City, and was called up for international duty whilst at Filbert Street, playing in the World Cup in Russia, and scoring in a crucial win against Sweden.

He then became the unlikely subject of a world record £80million transfer to Old Trafford in July 2019, where, in true legendary style, he was awarded the team captaincy after none of the other players were deemed good enough.

Now, however, it transpires that the whole concept of the 'Harry Maguire' character was the idea of little-known spoof writer, Moys Kenwood, writing as 'Monkey Woods'.

The invention of the character, according to Kenwood, was based upon the comic book hero Roy Race, the Melchester Rovers star. Beginning with humorous stories placing 'Maguire' in everyday situations, the character grew out of all proportion so that he invaded every facet of modern life.

A meeting with US leader, Donald Trump, Maguire's outspoken views on the COVID-19 Lockdown, his complete turnaround of opinion after he was discovered self-isolating in his gas cupboard, and even the fake news of the fake player becoming so disillusioned with life at Old Trafford, that he wanted to leave United, have been mere wisps of fantasy that have wafted out from between the ears of the aforementioned slacker and timewaster from Hull.

The deception was complete when Manchester United's Norwegian manager, Ole Gunnar Solskjaer, started to include him in his team selections, even though the player doesn't exist.

Said Kenwood:

"It was good while it lasted, but the idea has run its course, and everything has to come to an end. Doesn't it? I mean, doesn't it?"

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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