Atlanta, GA - On Tuesday, scientists at the CDC announced an array of new symptoms that may occur during a COVID-19 infection.
The researchers warned that a runny nose, sore throat and congestion are being added to the list of misery that comes with having the illness.
While most reporters in attendance were apt to file these new symptoms under the heading: No Shit Sherlock, it was a few of the other stranger side-effects that caught our attention.
"Golf ball-sized hemorrhoids have been found in at least thirty percent of all cases," explained Dr. Dick Asspimple (no relation to Dr. Richard Asspimple of the W.H.O.) "as well as massive swelling of the left testicle, of which we have no explanation. But, man, those fuckers can get bigger than a tennis ball! So, to all you gross men out there, wash your hands for God's sake! You do not want that!"
"In addition, we've found quite a number of people, not just Chinese, mind you, who seem to have a great desire to eat a bat during the delirium that comes from some of the more severe cases of the Coronavirus," the doctor told reporters. "Many patients, young and old, regardless of race or nationalities, all seem to cry out for bat meat."
Apparently, it's happened time and time again, baffling researchers, who are now becoming convinced that it may be akin to some sort of vampire-like toxins, stemming from the original source of the disease.
Indeed, we found healthcare workers who have seen this bizarre symptom first-hand. Just last week, a nurse in Phoenix witnessed an 92-year-old Hispanic woman bolt straight upright from her unconscious state, rip the ventilator tube out of her throat, and scream bloody murder for a bat burrito. "I still have the scratch marks on my arm," exclaimed the night nurse. "I tried to feed her a regular beef burrito instead, but she threw it across the I.C.U. and passed back out. It was the strangest thing."
Other medical staff have reported finding patients stumbling around outside of hospitals, staring into the night sky, grasping into the air at the slightest movements, in apparent attempts to try and catch a flying rat.
Still more COVID sufferers have been found in the woods and near dangerous cliff sides, unsure of how they got there.
And scientists are now finding that this strange symptom isn't going away after the illness releases its grip on the body. With manageable hemorrhoids and regular-sized testies back, interest in bat-cooking websites and flights to China have spiked 2000% in the last few months. Air China stocks are up over 40%.
"One can only imagine that, when this horrible pandemic has finally passed, we will be left with a legacy of McBat Burgers and buckets of extra-crispy bat wings, not to mention a new character in your kid's Happy Meal," surmises Dr. Asspimple. "So, please, please, please wear your masks, stay 6 feet apart, cook your bats thoroughly...and, most importantly, whatever you do, don't listen to a goddamn word that Donald Trump says!"
Editor's Note: After this story published, Jared Kushner is apparently rumored to be opening a chain of bat-related fast food restaurants throughout the New York City area. Ivanka Trump is rumored to be totally impressed with his visionary gumption.