The government's post-Coronavirus strategy will support ailing restaurants and tackle the lockdown binging obesity crisis by providing half a meal, at full price, for fatties.
‘This government isn’t going to sit on its arse, we’ve got an appetite to shake things up, and we’ll shake up those lardy couch potatoes as well. That’ll help them loose weight,’ said Chancellor Rishi Sunak.
In an effort to get people active and support businesses, the chancellor will also dangle a £1,000 carrot to retain staff. ‘If people want to keep their jobs, then they’ll have to lose weight, jump up and grab the carrot - and stick to eating carrots,’ added the Chancellor. ‘It’s a triple whammy: keep people employed, get them fit, and show we are a caring government.’
Not everyone is happy with this approach. There are concerns it needs more tweaking, as this is just tinkering round the edges. ‘I like being tinkered with,’ said George Edges, ‘but tweaking is taking a liberty.’
Tackling employment and training issues for young people will also receive a vigorous boost. ‘I’ll personally be kickstarting as many young people as I can get my hands on,’ said Rishi Sunak.
Job centres will also see a doubling of staff. ‘We see this as a growth sector along with bankruptcy courts,’ added the Chancellor, ‘and not forgetting food banks too, but only if they provide half a meal - there’s caring, then there’s being soft.’