Since the Coronavirus pandemic put many full-time enhanced interrogators on furlough, there has been a shocking reduction in protection for staff, with many chambers not even providing a first aid kit.
Freelance interrogator, Mr. E. Gore, of McLean, VA, said, ‘Sure, I’ve had shocks from unearthed cattle prods, tetanus from rusty nipple clamps, but now clients without masks - haven’t they heard of Coronavirus!’
The privatization of enhanced interrogation combined with the current pandemic, means standards have dropped. ‘The Enhanced Interrogators Code of Practice is clear,’ said Chad Jigsaw, Health and Safety Inspector to Licensed Torture Chambers. ‘Clients need to wear masks, it’s common sense. Some of these people are coughing up blood, bile and breathing heavily.’
‘We did suspend operations, and some clients, during the lockdown, but we do value the safety of our staff,’ said Brenda O’Lox of Inquisitions R Us. ‘Now we have a hell of a backlog, and we can't get Office of Torture-approved masks, but we do gag our clients.’
‘I’ve taken to putting plastic bags over their heads,’ said Gore. ‘But I have to provide them myself, and often the clients simply pass out or even die before I’ve finished. It’s so unprofessional.’
‘There are a number of cowboys in this business,’ added Chad Jigsaw. ‘We are conducting a full investigation, and heads will roll, as well as a few other body parts. I mean, plastic bags and gagging! What is this, the dark ages?’