Paris, France - According to a super French art historian, Guy Ohlalâ, the Mona Lisa is not happy about the Louvre Museum opening back up after being closed for 4 months due to some weird bat burger illness.
Monsieur Ohlalâ claims that he has a very personal relationship with the most famous painting in the world. "She 'ates, I could tell immediately, the first time I saw her after zee lockdown."
According to our very French dude, the Mona Lisa despises the return of the crowds, being stuck in a glass case, and sneaky photos. She longs to be back in Italy, where da Vinci painted her 500 years ago, tells Ohlalâ.
"I begged zee museum to put a mask over her face, but they wouldn't listen to me," told Mr. Ohlalâ. "They never listen to me! I email and phone and come here every day to complain about how they treat her, but they never want to hear about it. All they want to do is remind me of the restraining order they have on me, and make their threats to call the police."
Indeed, Mr. Ohlalâ had to dress up like a Chinese tourist just to get in the building to see his most-cherished love, only to be escorted out when he started talking sexy talk to Mona, and licking her glass case. 'Unhand me, imbeciles! I am her lover!' he screamed at the guards. (Youtube: Man dry humps the Mona Lisa.)
An hour later, we found our man Ohlalâ back out front, picketing the Louvre, and asking for spare change, with a sign that read: 'Masks For Mona!'
So, next time you're in Paris, and a guy comes up to you and tells you he's the world's leading expert on a certain famous painting, he might just be a disgruntled ex-museum security guard that lives with his mother and an extremely pouty cat named...
Yep, you guessed it,
Why, what did you think the cat's name was going to be?