BILLINGSGATE POST: Not since Joe Cocolochek won the shot put gold medal in the 1936 Summer Olympics in Berlin, Germany, has anyone from Beaver Crossing, Nebraska, won an Olympic medal.
Although overshadowed by Jesse Owens, who won gold medals in the long jump, the 100 and 200 meter dashes, and the 4 x 100 meter relay, Cocolochek endeared himself to Americans by dropping his pants in front of Adolf Hitler during the award ceremony; an incident that some historians believe was a precursor to World War II.
Along with skateboarding and golf, cow pie tossing was added to the Olympics four years ago. After easily qualifying for the event, Elmer Smuckmeister failed to pass a mandatory drug test and was not allowed to compete in the games at Rio.
Elmer appealed the decision, claiming that he inadvertently had sex with a sheep one week before the testing. Citing invincible ignorance for not knowing that the sheep had been fed a restricted growth hormone, Elmer was acquitted by the Olympic Committee and allowed to compete in this year’s Olympics. However, he was admonished by the Committee, that in any future sheep tryst, to use protection, both for his sake and the health of the animal.
Yesterday, in Tokyo, Elmer threw a cow pie 278 feet, setting a new Olympic record and easily winning the Gold Medal. Runt “Nuts” Ruggiano of Italy, finished second for Silver, while the Bronze Medal went to a Banshee rag picker from Bombay who competed anonymously.
Dr. Slim: “What an amazing comeback! Makes me proud to be an American.”
Dirty: “Yo, Doctor. They must be dancing in the streets of Beaver Crossing. I hope no one steps in a cow pie.”