Coronavirus Olympics begin in Tokyo

Funny story written by Sir Geoffroy Cockface

Wednesday, 21 July 2021

image for Coronavirus Olympics begin in Tokyo
The Japanese Olympic team prepare for their turn at karaoke

Tomorrow the Tokyo Olympics begin, but it's not all robot toilets and overt nationalism. The competition will be run under strict coronavirus restrictions, with no crowds and major changes to the participating sports.

All athletes must social distance and remain 2 metres apart at all times, which means that some sports such as wrestling and synchronised swimming have had to be scrapped. Also the running tracks have had to be widened so much that all the lanes will be made of moving walkways running at different speeds to compensate for the longer distances run by competitors in the outside lanes.

Many new sports have been introduced to take advantage of the coronavirus fever which is sweeping the planet. They include:

  • the 100m wheeze
  • the long spit
  • the high spit
  • the triple spit
  • the vaccine relay

Some completely new demonstration sports have been added to help showcase the skills many of us have developed during lockdown in the last year. Those include:

  • food ordering
  • food delivery
  • sitting on a sofa watching TV while pretending to work
  • screaming
  • the remote control throw

Many commentators are questioning whether the Olympics should take place at all, and at least one Japanese company has offered to replace all the athletes with robots.

But it's not all doom and gloom. The opening ceremony will highlight Japan's incredible culture. It will feature a samurai dressed as a cat robot singing Yoko Ono hits on karaoke, while raw fish is dumped over his head by an origami Godzilla monster.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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