Britain's first nail bar for dogs opens

Funny story written by Sir Geoffroy Cockface

Thursday, 11 February 2021

image for Britain's first nail bar for dogs opens
Another dog gets ready to look fabulous

Many businesses have been forced to shut down during the pandemic, some of them permanently. But not all shops are suffering badly.

This week in Chaffinch St Cock, Britain's first nail bar for dogs opened. Canine Chaffinch Nails is subject to the same COVID restrictions as any other business, but, because it caters for dogs, its customers do not need to break any rules to enter the shop.

The dogs must enter alone while their owners wait outside. The pooches have access to a menu of full French manicures and pedicures, while their owners are given a copy of either Razzle or Glamour while they wait.

Rex Bone, 47, is a happy customer. His dog, called Geoffroy Hamilton, is a St Bernard with perfectly manicured nails. "Woof," said Geoffroy when asked about how he was treated.

"People always thought I was mad to give my dog a manicure at home," said Bone. "But I'm happy to pay for it instead. It saves on the varnish. Geoffroy always likes to lick his claws afterwards and the varnish I use makes him excitable and puke a lot. Also, when I go to Canine Chaffinch Nails, I can have a wank while I wait. Everybody's happy."

Dog nail bar owner Rover Barking, 51, is a peculiar man. "I love nothing more than nice bright hyponychium. I used to run another shop. It was a combined nail bar and DIY shop called El Condor Pasa, but I had to close it down, what with the pandemic.

"So then I spotted an opportunity. I always used to get people in the nail bar saying they wished they had extra fingers so that they could have more nails to paint. I would offer to paint their dogs' nails as well. Now those are the only ones I can do. It's the dog's bollocks.

"I practice on my own dog. She's called Julie Williams. There's only one thing I won't do, and that's the dewclaw. If you want that painted, you'll have to go to Uncle Spot's Dewclaw Emporium across town."

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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