BILLINGSGATE POST: In his latest Executive Order, President Biden decreed that revolving fire hydrants be installed on the White House grounds, having grown tired of seeing his two mutts, Champ and Major, lift their legs to pee on the existing hydrants that dot the White House landscape.
Noting the success Mayor De Blasio had with the revolving fire hydrants in the Central Park area of New York City, he signed the Executive Order today.
Biden cited De Blasio, who witnessed the signing of the Order. In a budget-saving program, De Blasio stated that the City’s maintenance crew had to repaint the red fire hydrants every two years because of the rust caused from dogs pissing on them while doing their daily walk.
Upon the installation of the revolving hydrants, it was found that the dogs would attempt to keep up with the slow revolution of the hydrant while trying to walk on three legs, the other one lifted, as is customary among most breeds of canines.
As documented by Maintenance Chief, George Mahoney, the average dog lasted approximately 31 seconds before getting vertigo and falling into its own urine. Once trained, the dog would avoid hydrants from then on, peeing on trees and tires, instead. Mahoney estimated that, while each new hydrant cost $67,000 to install, the City would amortize the cost of the revolving hydrants in approximately 44 years.
Dr. Slim: “The only answer is robotic mutts.”
Dirty: “Yo, Dr. Dude. Just charge their battery and watch ‘em hump.”