Unrenowned Writer Found Undead

Funny story written by Kilroy

Thursday, 1 April 2021

A highly unrenowned writer for The Onion was found undead near Fargo, North Dakota Thursday. The cause of death is not being investigated even though the body of Kilroy Kovacs III, who went by the pseudonym “Kilroy”, was found dressed in a bunny suit inside an abandoned house, with a Ouija Board, a half eaten plate of sushi and an empty bottle of Schnapps.

Police are not saying if the 25-page document entitled, "A Black Day for a White Monarchy" discovered in his immediate vicinity was a suicide note or just another aimless diatribe. But they are calling the death “not suspicious" or even mildly interesting, except for the fact Kilroy is continuing to write. A Ouija Board in the immediate vicinity of the body apparently is still producing material for assorted obscure satire sites. "Actually, he's getting better hits dead than alive," said one disinterested investigator. "More people read Sutter Cain, though," he added.

Kilroy is reputed to have been a relatively non-prolific writer for The Onion for the past 10 years. He won a Peabody Award in 2010 for It's Something I Said, Isn't It?, a scathing series satirizing "Birthers", Isis and Oprah that drove him underground and into hiding. "That sort of sh*t will get you killed. Apparently Kilroy pissed off so many people, even Charlie Hebdo dropped him. "That was just outrageous!" was their one sentence press statement under a cartoon of Jesus punching Buddha.

The Onion’s Editor-In-Chief refused to even acknowledge our calls regarding Kilroy’s death, suggesting that The Onion despises unsolicited telephone calls nearly as much as it does unsolicited submissions. But not as much as kittens. However, one self-loathing Onion writer agreed to comment provided he remain anonymous and actually get paid for a change.

“There is no way in hell that carnival barker ever wrote for The Onion,” he said. “Not only is he not Ivy League, he went to a state school!” The writer implied that theThe Onion elite doesn't take kindly to state school writers claiming to be "one of them". "That sh*t will get you killed," he said while providing links to another satire site called TheSpoof.

“Behold what passes for wit over there!" he snorted. TheSpoof is to The Onion what Radioshack is to Apple. OBSOLETE!!! Hey, I need to write that down, I’m a freakin’ genius!” he exclaimed before the sheer weight of his over-inflated ego snapped his neck like a dry twig, ironically analogous to his dry wit.

One of the TheSpoof editors, who declined to be identified, either, confirmed Kilroy did indeed string words together on TheSpoof from time to time, but one wouldn't exactly call that writing. “Most of his stories involved sexually explicit scenarios between him and numerous celebrities. Then he started doing the absolutely outrageous stuff....but it beat his fixation with sombreros on kangaroos,” she said. When asked who would want him dead, she replied, “Pretty much everybody. You ever read his work? That sh*t will get you killed!” She went on to describe him and his body of work as 250 pounds of bad porn in a cheap suit with another 200 pounds hanging out of it. When asked if her description was intentionally hurtful, she replied, "F*ck him!"

A TheSpoof writer, who begged to be identified just for the clicks, but wasn’t, shed a bit more light on the situation. Describing an acrimonious relationship between Kilroy and his fellow writers, he expressed doubts about Kilroy’s actual death. ”He seems to disappear when he gets death threats. I guess that Harry and Meghan parody with an adult Archie high-jacking the Royal Tardis to right the wrongs of Time was a little over the top, even for him. In retrospect Dr. Bro was some of his worst work. That sh*t will get you killed! Except in the U.S., where they like that kind of thing."

In conclusion, the general consensus is that, while Kilroy was a formula hackwriter who was not particularly beloved, although disproportionately arrogant, it just doesn’t prove he worked for The Onion. But the mistake is easy to make. It has also been noted that many of his better writings contain references to other people’s better material. There’s more satirical sampling in his copyright skirting schlock than the 1987 hit song “Pump Up The Volume.”

Also noteworthy is that Kilroy was obsessive, almost anal retentive on word count, fixated on constructing precisely-sized written pieces. While it may appear cryptic to many, some compare his many dead-end tropes to The Numbers in the series [i]LOST[/i]. "They mean absolutely nothing!" Spoof Editor Monkey Woods told reporters. "Seriously, I think he just did it to make you look! May he rest in peace....and not come back as a zombie writer or anything. I really couldn't deal with that sh*t!"

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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