Jack and Diane Embroiled in Bitter Divorce

Funny story written by Kilroy

Friday, 25 December 2020

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Back in 1982, John Mellencamp's little ditty about Jack and Diane went viral, transforming two small town kids into household names.

But the years haven't been kind to the two American kids living in the Heartland, who recently announced their plans to divorce.

According to sources close to the couple, 39 years, 10 children, 14 grandchildren and one great grandchild, after being catapulted into music immortality, Jack and Diane have decided to call it quits and then do as they please.

According to sources close to the couple, Jack and Diane were ill-prepared for marriage in the first place, and the not-so-unexpected pregnancy didn't change that fact.

"They were educated in a small town," said Jack's city cousin. "They learned sex-education in a small town," he said, shaking his head.

Apparently lacking even the most basic principals of sex education, the couple believed the rhythm method simply involved, “just doing it real slow.”

"Oh yeah! Life goes on. Especially when you're doing birth control wrong," he added, and walked on.

Many with no other connection than idle gossip were similarly "not surprised" to hear about the break-up.

"They just stayed together until all the kids got out of the house," said one idle gossipper. "And once that worthless, 30-year-old son of theirs finally got sent to prison, they didn't have that reason anymore."

"Oh yeah, life goes on. I knew that it wouldn't work out very long," she added, despite being reminded of the couple's almost 40-year marriage.

Some suggest sudden fame planted the seeds of destruction to the marriage.

"Jack was already a football star around here, even before his picture appeared in that tabloid. Once he and Diane hit the big time, they just became insufferable. They were eating at the Dairy Queen for free. Just driving around town, doing as they pleased," said one obviously disgruntled classmate.

But the fame was apparently fleeting. After a failed chicken franchise attempting to capitalize on his few days as a celebrity, Jack found himself afoul of the law when it was discovered to be a front for a cannabis operation.

The arresting deputy, Jesse Boudreaux, was also a former classmate, and reportedly one of the numerous former high school sweethearts of Diane.

"Hell, yeah, life goes on! And you just got caught hitting on a bong. In the Bible Belt!" mocked Jesse during the arrest. "We're gonna put you away for so long, by the time you get out, your mullet is going to be back in style!"

The case was tossed out, however, on a technicality regarding police procedure.

"All of this stems from high school jealousy," Jack told the jury. "Diane used to be Jesse's girl, and now she's mine!"

The jury acquitted Jack of the cannabis charges, but Judge Springsteen gave him 30 days in county jail for being a plagiarizing dick. “I fight authority, but authority always wins,” Jack lamented.

Diane has been mostly 'mum' about the break-up, spending the time managing her chain of Tastee Freezes in the county. Friends indicate she has only recently questioned her youthful decision that lead to almost 40 years of marriage.

"Maybe I should have just let him run off to the city, and I'd have missed this whole thing," she once mused to friends.

Jack is much more crude in his description of his soon-to-be ex-wife.

"She spent all day sucking down chili dogs and managing the Tastee Freeze. Now she’s got a belly sitting on her lap, boobs down between her knees, and she calls me changed?” was his unaffectionate description of how their relationship has disintegrated over the years.

When asked by reporters what advice he’d give teens living in the Heartland today, Jacky scratched his head and collected his thoughts for a moment.

Doing his best James Dean imitation, he said, “Hold on to 16 as long as you can. Changes come around real soon, then you’re living in your van.”

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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