Following the inept, forty-three minute execution of inmate Clayton Lockett in Oklahoma seven years ago, the Oklahoma legislature has recently voted to replace the "dead in the water" lethal injection route with “Death by Dumbo”.
Following the nationally embarrassing spectacle, Oklahoma’s then governor Mary Fallin asked her Cabinet members to investigate the failed execution and issued a 60-day stay of execution for Charles Warner.
They apparently concluded there was no failure in the protocol since Mr. Lockett was, indeed, dead...and executed Mr. Warner anyway after a fashionable delay.
According to sources inside the flubbed execution, medical technicians were unable to locate suitable veins for injection in Lockett’s neck, arms or legs and had to resort to locating sites in the man’s groin. "No Happy Endings were had that day," an unidentified medical techinician involved in the execution noted.
Warner was originally scheduled to have been the second execution in a rare double-header before Lockett’s gruesome death got real and harshed everyone’s picnic. Jubilations were short-lived, however, as Warner was subsequently executed by another inefficient drug substitution just nine months later. His last words were reportedly, "Man, it's still fu*ked up!" before jamming up the Death Row Express once again.
In South Carolina, it's been almost ten years since a good, old-fashioned lethal injection. After the drugs ran out, condemned inmates free to chose between lethal injection and the electric chair...always seemed to pick the method on back order. Finally in frustration, Senators added firing squad to the electric chair as alternatives if the state can't execute condemned inmates by lethal injection. "Man, that just fuc*ed everything up!" said one South Carolina Death Row inmate trying to game the System.
Oklahoma doesn't use a firing squad since they'd probably just shoot the condemned in the balls anyway. And while they may be prohibited from hanging people anymore, Oklahoma has nevertheless found a way to tighten up the execution process like a noose. Dumbo, a rogue circus elephant convicted of killing his long time handler in the late 90’s, is slated to become the state’s newest executioner. Dumbo was suggested as an alternative execution method after witnessing him lifting weights and idlely crushing pumpkins in the prison exercise yard.
“He has a lot of anger issues after losing his mother," said one Department of Corrections employee. "A pumpkin is about the same size as a human head. We noticed he has a knack for skull cracking, so what the hell?" he continued. Medical technicians applaud the new execution method, citing feeling slightly “uncomfortable” handling a condemned man’s junk searching for a femoral artery.
Dumbo is currently serving a life sentence yet continues to maintain his innocence according to authorities. "An elephant just can't get a fair trial in Oklahoma," Dumbo told reporters. Dumbo will be granted special privileges as a trustie, however, should he decide to accept the position of state executioner.
Apparently, Dumbo only narrowly beat out “Crazy Ted with a pillow” for executioner. Crazy Ted, a notorious inmate noted for the mysterious "suicide" deaths of his cellmates by suffocation, was considered too mundane a method of execution. “Dumbo can bring in the tourist traffic. Where’s the entertainment value in watching a psycho smother a man tied to a gurney with a pillow?” said one marketing consultant.
Once executions start-up again, Oklahoma plans to eliminate a considerable back-log. “We’re looking at a daily show at 6:00 a.m. with two shows on Saturday,” said Oklahoma Governor Stitt. One unfortunate inmate scheduled to be among the first people executed by Dumbo early next month, remarked to reporters, “Man, this is truly f*cked up!”