ISIS Targets U.S.Comic Book Market

Funny story written by Kilroy

Wednesday, 2 December 2020

ISIS is reported to be using old established oil smuggling routes to sell oil on the black market again...for thousands of dollars. It used to be millions and millions of dollars, but thanks to the oil glut, that revenue stream is drying up faster extended unemployment. While that certainly is a lot of money, it is insignificant compared to the market they are currently tapping to replace it: Comics.

CIA analysts concede that ISIS is the best funded, most sophisticated terror network the world has ever seen, but don't appear worried. "They may be unorthodox and unpredictable, but they ain’t Hydra,” said an analyst only identified as "Joe".

This may appear reassuring on the surface, but when one considers the fact that Hydra does not exist and ISIS does, it brings into question the CIA’s total grip on reality. Then things got weird.

Additional revelations coming out of the CIA recently, point to a huge strike in the U.S. by ISIS aimed squarely at the comic book industry. According to a classified CIA report uncovered by The National Enquirer, ISIS has been cultivating disaffected youth in the U.S. for several years now to commit acts of terrorism against comic industry targets.

“The largest repository of aimless, disassociated, anti-social or simply socially inept males of low intelligence, high gullibility and no girlfriends is in the comic book demographics,” said Dr. Gunter Chang, Director of Cognitive Studies at the Central Intelligence Agency. “This leaves them wide open for any type of depraved imagery and twisted reality.”

Dr. Chang proceeded to show Power Point slide after slide of the horrible imagery. "Check out these Super Mario video game graphics! What kind of monster makes you play this at less than 1080p resolution?" Chang asked, incredulously.

“Strangely enough, youth that shuts out reality playing games comprises only 13% of successful recruiting efforts by ISIS. That’s because at least they are doing something. Porn aficionados make up less than 1%. They're doing something too. We have determined the common denominator is joysticks but you can't just make a vaccine out of that."

The comic book demographics apparently makes up the rest and vast majority of new ISIS recruits.

"The radicalization potential of an empty vessel approaches infinity in the presence of a catalyst like glossy-over-stylized-pseudo-violent-make-believe,” Dr. Chang ranted into an oversized speech bubble, hands menacingly on his hips as he threw his head back and laughed manically.

Others at the CIA claim to have uncovered ISIS connections in a string of what were initially thought to be unrelated events of vandalism and theft focused on comic resellers. The attacks on comic warehouses and secure storage facilities such as Mile High Comics in Colorado and MyComicShop in Dallas, two of the largest reseller of back issues and used comics in the U.S., is only the tip of the iceberg.

‘I don’t know whether to laugh or cry,” said Chuck Rozanski, the Godfather of the industry and somewhat highly-strung owner of Mile High Comics. “All my inventory, gone in an instant...kind of like the value of Superman Vol 2 Issue# 75, The Death of Superman,” Rozanski laughed manically, before pulling a gun on reporters and forcing an end to the interview.

What these high profile attacks has done is to send the price of silver and copper age comics through the roof, and it is believed that ISIS is selling its own vast comic book collection on the black market for millions. Plus, they are rumored to be launching 12 new comic titles after the first of the year under the ISIS-funded label Death to DC.

A video released after the attack on the warehouse of Searchlight Comics in New Jersey, showed a black-clad teen recklessly swinging a blade around, injuring a few other black-clad figures standing nearby.

When the video resumed, the figure declared “Death to the U.S Comic Industry!” and added, “Maybe now my freaking Punisher collection will be worth something,” he attempted to laugh manically, but choked on his own spittle.

He promised more attacks on comic-related targets in the near future, until his mother came down to the basement and made him stop it.

Experts at the CIA tried to mitigate the extent of the threat. They point out that the comic book industry is a very resilient hard target that has seen tougher times than this. Others point out that half of the entire comic book industry is slated to disappear in a "Thanos Snap" after DC comics folds.

The full extent of ISIS infiltration into the comics industry is unknown at this time, but, what is known, is that heads are certainly rolling at Marvel Comics ISIS style. And, according to counter-terrorism expert Frank Castle, things may be much worse than we know. “This may sound dire, but from our extensive statistical analysis and modeling projections of ISIS influence into the future, we conclude The Punisher is never going to be worth crap!”

And he wasn't laughing.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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