Internationally unrenowned writer Kilroy Kovacs has announced his retirement after a long, unsuccessful career as a satire writer, in order to pursue a new career in news journalism. The fake news community reacted immediately with the same general indifference they gave his material over the years.
Kilroy was vaguely known in the 90s for his crude, xeroxed memes of kangaroos in sombreros, featuring a newsworthy celebrity or politician’s head emerging from the pouch with a snarky remark. He apparently had some limited success at his office, and eventually moved into the tabloid humor market with even more limited success.
One local drunkard admitted to being a huge fan of Kilroy’s. “I used to laugh so hard at that kangaroo in a sombrero, I’d almost crap myself,” he chuckled, slinging spittle and stumbling back to his barstool. Others in the bar were not as amused with the comedy material, and suggested Kilroy’s only fan was frequently falling down drunk and crapping himself anyway.
But, as modern satire migrated from the printed page, with letters to the editor, to the Internet, with comments sections, Kilroy awoke to the cruel realization that he wasn’t nearly as funny as he first thought.
“It was certainly an eye-opening revelation,” Kilroy confessed. “I mean, I crack myself up...and that drunk guy in the bar...so what’s the problem?” Among his numerous criticisms was overuse and abuse of the kangaroo ruse. “Kangaroos in a sombreros is my brand, man! How in the hell is anyone going to recognize my work without it?”
After much thought, little of it productive, Kilroy decided to move his humor in an entirely different direction in order to survive in intensely competitive fake news market. “You’ve got to fight for your right to parody!” he uttered in a Robitussin haze.
He had to be more than just another shaggy dog story. But, what in a decade of English studies at the University would set him apart, he pondered in third person prior to proclaiming, “Aha! Alliteration!”
Fortunately for satire, the ploy failed miserably. “The average American absolutely abhors an alliterative anecdote,” Kilroy said, staring for a three-beat as someone rated his story a single star. “See what I'm saying?”
“Being called an ‘arrogant alliterating asshole’ by other site associated authors was hurtful,” Kilroy recalled. "So I spammed them all with porn, and left."
And, like the Devil going down to Georgia, he scoured the internet in search of another schtick he could steal. Desperate and aimless, he was finally reduced to mimicking funny Facebook posts, and even tried updating his kangaroo-in-a-sombrero brand by adding a penis. All of this was apparently to no avail.
“I really thought that penis gimmick would work,” Kilroy said. “Maybe I needed a bigger penis.”
But, after years of continued failure to trend in the fake news market that even a bigger penis couldn’t fix, Kilroy decided to finally give up and just do real news instead.
“You can’t have fake news without real news, so I figured I’d take the high ground,” he said. “Real news has become so preposterous, it has totally usurped parody's position for belly laughs."
Kilroy selected a news story at random and displayed it on his laptop:
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“How do you parody that? This shit just writes itself!” he chuckled.