In his most misguided effort yet since quitting the monarchy without already having a job, ex-Duke Harry has decided to pursue a career in stand-up comedy. The Man Who Wouldn't Be King and his lovely wife, Meghan, booked another interview with Queen Oprah Winfrey to announce the exciting news.
"I've always thought I was funny. I mean, I used to crack everyone up when I was in the Royal Marines. But then again....I WAS a Prince," he mused. "So, I figure if I could make hardened killing machines with sophisticated, high-brow British tastes in humor laugh, then I should be able to make these boorish Americans piss themselves," he added with a chuckle. "See how funny I was there?" he said, self-amused. "I think people will completely forget about that Nazi costume incident 15 years ago..." he said, before being cut off by Meghan with, "Shut up! I'll tell you what to think!"
"Harry is about as funny as Charlie Hebdo playing a banjo," Meghan high-jacked the interview. "Needless to say, we didn't need Harry writing any of his own jokes," she said, briefly putting her finger to her lips to shush Harry once again.
Meghan explained, in an overly dramatic manner, that they'd hired a little-known ghost writer to produce the comedy material. "He's edgy, funny and homeless, so he works cheap," she said. "Only cost us a bottle of schnapps and some cheap sushi," she explained
"God, I love America!" Harry exclaimed, jumping excitedly to his feet and clapping wildly before Meghan's stare made him sit slowly back down. "All he has to do is read the teleprompter," she sighed. "Heaven help us."
Harry's debut three days later was met with anticipation as well as trepidation fueled by the world's fascination with the Royal situation. There hadn't been this potential for a catastrophic comedic crisis since Ted Danson roasted lover Whoopi Goldberg back in 1993, and thought blackface would be hilarious.
The tension was as thick as blood pudding while Harry made his way to the microphone. "Good evening, folks...I'm The Comedian Formerly Known as a Prince," he began, to raucous laughter. "People ask me all the time what it's like to be a Royal. I tell them it's like being a prisoner...with really good benefits!" he delivered the lines like he's delivered lines all his life. "The monarchy is so white, they make vampires look tan....hey, did you write this one, Meghan?" he lost track of his teleprompter before her Stare of Doom got him back on track. He made good time until he took one curve a little too fast, overcorrected and slammed his entire routine into a tree.
"I'm nothing like the rest of my inbred family," he got into his rhythm. "I don't see color," he said, whipping up the audience's sentiment into loud applause. "In fact, when I first heard former President Obama speak, I thought it was a white guy," he cluelessly touched a nerve before dropping the punchline like a lead weight: "Just like Jesus!" The room fell silent except for the sound of crickets, and they were booing. "It's a f*cking joke!" he screamed. "What do you peasants want?"
Fighting for existential survival, Harry did the only thing he knew to regain control of the crowd. " Storm the Castle!" he screamed. "Storm the Castle!" the crowd responded before clamoring out into the streets. "I'm gonna wear that crown!" one man was overheard exclaiming.
Harry and Meghan managed to escape the ensuing melee but not the aftermath, effectively ending the Duke's woefully short comedy career. A comeback is less likely than becoming King.
Eddie Murphy weighed in on comebacks after announcing a possible return to stand-up. Finally recuperated from that Meet Dave misstep and fresh off of Coming 2 America, Murphy has done some controversial stand-up himself. When asked about Harry possibly returning to comedy, Murphy laughed his characteristic chuckle and said, "Unless he's got a f*cking time machine, he's just another Michael Richards."