Rare White House intestinal studies emerge on eve of Trump departure

Funny story written by joseph k winter

Friday, 1 January 2021

image for Rare White House intestinal studies emerge on eve of Trump departure
Professor Randal Yare, of Johns Hopkins U: "IE and Lower Chamber Music are cutting edge in Phd studies at this time!&quo

Breaking: A newly-emerged whistle-blower has broken open peculiarities at The White House for press coverage.

Until now, it was not known that a group of scientists occupy a White House attic to record and measure events occurring throughout this august building.

These persons remain out of sight by day (meals served by dumb waiter), and only take exercise on White House lawns in the small hours after midnight.

They keep records on numerous items, from use of dishware, length of stay by visitors, consumption of kleenex (plus disposal), and such matters.

More surprising, perhaps, has been the emergence of IES (internal emission studies), which track expulsions from all who pass through this historical site.

Unknown previously, scientists have developed a special app which tracks, designates, qualifies, and describes every "intestinal event" affecting air quality at The White House.

How long these attic specialists have been doing this work historically is not known. However, records stretching back to President Lyndon Baines Johnson are accessible.

Additionally extraordinary, these IE studies have discovered a tendency by White House presidential occupants to practice special effects with their emissions.

Some of these have a musical tendency, which has led to the additional study of what is known as "Lower Chamber Music."

President Carter, for example, could use his orifice to practice “Way down upon the Suwannee River,” to which President Reagan attempted to compete with “O Say Can You See”.

Mr. Trump has disdained these kinds of efforts, satisfying himself with reproductions of the sound effects from the cannons of Fort Sumter.

Bill and Monica apparently took LCM (Lower Chamber Music) into new directions, with efforts to produce duets, and Mr. Obama is considered most accomplished with his (an obvious self-reference) “You must have been a beautiful baby, coz, baby, look at you now!”

Mr. Bush (W, that is; records of HW “not available”) disdained musical effects and studied his sounds for hints of what to do with foreign policy.

Most notably here, the invasion of Iraq was strongly influenced.

Mr. Trump's outstanding accomplishment, related to his choice of entrees and expanding waist during his tenure, has been to fill the emission space of 42 cubic meters, far more than previous occupants (apart from Mr. Johnson).

Mr. Biden and his son are reputed to be interested in duet possibilities, and are working on a composition titled "Burisma Overture in F Major."

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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