Biden To Dissolve Secret Service: Replace With Elite Eunuch Corps

Funny story written by Dr. Billingsgate

Sunday, 27 December 2020

image for Biden To Dissolve Secret Service: Replace With Elite Eunuch Corps
No balls at all

BILLINGSGATE POST: President-elect Joe Bien has decided to dissolve the Secret Service and replace it with an Imperial Palace Eunuch Corps when he takes office.

Biden quoted Han Fei Tzu, a revered Chinese Minister of State and man of letters who died in 233 BC: "Countries large and small suffer one defect in common, the surrounding of the ruler with unworthy personnel."

Noting that both the President and the First Lady were concerned about the Secret Service agents knowing more about their personal affairs than they were confortable with, Biden told CNN’s Don Lemon that establishing a close-knit gaggle of trusted eunuchs to watch over the President seems the only answer.

However, Congresswoman Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez disagreed. She said that more female Secret Service agents might help guard against White House gossip. "At the very least, it would cut down the number of prostitutes stiffed by male agents for their services.” AOC added: "No self-respecting female agent, straight or lesbian, would sacrifice the safety of the President for a quick roll in the hay."

A little history. Eunuchs, males who have been rendered sexually impotent by mutilation or removal of their external sexual genitals, served as palace menials, harem watch-dogs, and spies for rulers in most of the ancient world kingdoms stretching from Rome, Greece and North Africa, through the biblical lands, and on across Asia to China. Castrated aides attended the Great Moghul emperors of India and the maharajas of India. Nowhere, however, were eunuchs of such great historical significance as in the palaces of Imperial China.

Best of all, eunuchs strutted with a peculiar gait that could be easily recognized at great distances. They characteristically leaned slightly forward - somewhat like MSNBC hack Rachel Maddow - with their legs clinging closely together in a scissor-butt sort of way. Taking short mincing steps, with their toes turned outward, it was impossible for them to not be identified as eunuchs. Obviously, these physical attributes were quite unlikely to excite physical contact with promiscuous double agents of either gender.

Nancy Poozleosi offered: “Knowing men to be susceptible to the charms of beautiful women like me, it is my opinion that changing the Secret Service to an all-eunuch agency would make it less likely for a compromise to occur in the future."

Dr. Slim: “If eunuchs were the answer, why did so many dynasties go toast?”

Dirty: “Yo, Dr. Dude. Confucius say: ‘Eunuch who loses key to girl's apartment no get new key.’”

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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