SHEOL—Sarah Huckabee Sanders, the new Press Secretary for Satan, announced today that the Dark Lord is opening a new circle in Hell, specifically for the overflow of Evangelicals who have been flooding His underworld domain ever since the 2016 election.
Said Sanders: “We were just packed to the gills with all the sinners already occupyin’ Hell, and now we have to accommodate, suddenly, millions more servants of His Dark Lord (Satan, that is, not the President), who are doing for Christianity what Tom Cruise has done for Scientology. We’re looking to expand one of the bottom circles of Hell for all these new recruits, next to the newly-expanded Heresy Circle of Hell we opened up just a few years ago for Republicans who have abandoned their principles for President Trump.”
Borrowing a little from Dante’s Inferno (one of Satan’s favorite books), the new circle will immerse its occupants in their own vomit; and they will be required, every time Donald Trump commits fraud, lies, or incites his followers to violence, to dunk themselves for three minutes in their own collective puke. For sustenance while they work so hard at their perdition, they will be allowed to ingest, on a daily basis, the many Tweets that Trump has shit out over the last four years, which, Sanders assured reporters, should be enough to last an eternity.
Additionally, an unnamed source has told The Wall Street Journal that Donald Trump will be opening a new hotel somewhere in Hell, maybe in the posh Circle of Fraud, where the President is expected to reside when he permanently retires.
Satan, himself, could not be reached for comment, as he was meeting with his accountant, who is in the process of tallying up the many sins Donald Trump has committed over the course of his seven decades on earth.