Maine governor mandates dog cone wearing for restaurant staff instead of mask

Funny story written by joseph k winter

Friday, 21 August 2020

image for Maine governor mandates dog cone wearing for restaurant staff instead of mask
Maine governor also reported considering this waitress style "to protect public safety"

Governor Janet Mills of Maine has now directed all restaurant personnel to wear dog cones upside down as further protection against the virus.

According to the Governor's scientific advisors, breath directed upward moves particles skyward pronto instead of down onto the dinner plates of those being served.

Those being served, however, should wear cones attached at the forehead instead of the throat, to direct particles further downward toward below-the-table regions.

Extra applications of cleanser following departure of customers will abate the problem of particles lingering just below table level.

These new strategies dispense of the problem of sideways venting of particles from ordinary masks, and from particles below the chin with the previous plastic shield models.

Mr. Biden, who is a mask enthusiast, has said these innovations are in the spirit of "what makes America foremost in world technology and leadership in health and sanity."

He had previously stated that as president he would make masks compulsory and this would show "patriotism."

Meanwhile, medical experts across the globe have come forward to say the virus is exaggerated and its danger cannot be calculated by number of cases.

Government scientists, however, insist none of this can be relied upon because The Fear And Danger Narrative is so well-established.

Changing it would be denied by The Public.

Further, it might embarrass the experts into explaining they have made monumental errors in calculating the danger.

Nor will questioning the Official Narrative help The Public's acceptance of upcoming vaccines and free enterprise for the Big Pharma Industries.

Mr. Biden is reported in consultation with Maine's Ms. Mills on possible further developments toward even higher safety.

Ms. Mills is mulling the possibility of the double cone advisory, in which all restaurant personnel will be required not only the cone upside down and based at the throat.

A top of the head cone will also be worn right side up from the top of the head down, leaving a narrow aperture for the eyes, nose, and mouth.

Mr. Fauci, recently replaced as top health advisor to Mr. Trump, has come forward to praise these new developments.

"I would only add that the cone idea, especially the double-cone idea, could also have the American flag printed on it, to show loyalty and best practices," he said.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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