Joe Biden Convincingly Denies Remembering Sexually Assaulting Former Staffer Tara Reade

Funny story written by Chrissy Benson

Saturday, 2 May 2020

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Biden supporters were outraged at the suggestion that Biden might have been lying about not remembering assaulting Tara Reade.

Breaking a month-long silence, presumptive Democratic presidential nominee Joe Biden formally addressed allegations that he sexually assaulted former Senate aide, Tara Reade, in 1993, convincingly denying that he had any memory of pinning Reade against a wall, reaching under her skirt, and pushing his fingers inside her.

“I don’t remember anything about it,” said Biden. “My mind is totally blank. There’s nothing there.”

Polls indicate that many Biden supporters found Biden’s vehement assertions of not remembering a sexual assault highly persuasive. “I one-hundred-percent believe him,” said Chris Lister of Brooklyn, New York, remarking that the many accounts of Biden's memory gaffes and incoherence made his professions of not remembering assaulting Reade highly credible. “He’s lost track of a lot of things," said Lister. "And this incident was a long time ago.”

Lifelong Democrat, Allison D’Agostino, of Dallas, Texas, agreed. Noting Biden's consistent track record of misremembering countless other factual details, including such non-occurrences as being arrested in South Africa for supposedly attempting to visit Nelson Mandela, she said, "The fact that anyone would even question that he might not remember the sexual assault in question blows my mind. It’s outrageous.”

According to many Biden supporters, the prevalence of reports that Biden often seems bewildered and cannot remember which state he is campaigning in, or whether he is running for the Senate or the presidency, only served to bolster the credibility of his denial of any memory of the incident described by Tara Reade. “One time in Texas, he forgot the words of the Declaration of Independence mid-sentence," said Clyde Jansen of Austin, Texas. "Why wouldn’t I believe him about not remembering what happened with Tara Reade?" He chuckled and shook his head. “Everybody knows he’s ‘Sleepy Joe.’ He does his best.”

Biden supporters offered a slightly different take, however, as to the legitimacy of Tara Reade’s accusations themselves. “Oh, she was definitely telling the truth,” said anti-Trump activist, Leonard Payne, of Louisville, Kentucky. “But what's that got to do with anything?”

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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