Trump Announces Tremendous Hope For Coronavirus Cure

Funny story written by Erskin Quint

Friday, 1 May 2020

image for Trump Announces Tremendous Hope For Coronavirus Cure
"Can we search for the pygmies of Austria, with their houses on stilts, can we do a terrific job with stilts?"

US President Donald Trump raised the hopes of US citizens yet again, yesterday, with what he called "tremendous positive news" about research into a cure for the deadly coronavirus.

"We've been looking at the moon", he told reporters at yesterday's press briefing. "As far as we can tell, there's no corona up there. No cases. They have zero cases. I'd like to know why that is. Can we look at that? You're going to look into that? What can we learn from the moon? Nobody else is talking to the moon. I think that could be interesting.

"And", he went on to say, "I was watching TV last night. A film about India, where they were washing the elephants. Always washing the elephants. They hit the elephants with a tremendous amount of water. And they have no corona - the elephants. No corona.

"Can you, can we look at that? What do elephants have that we don't? They have a trunk, like a very long nose, for washing, which they blow water out of, and never sniff into, and they have this very, very tough skin. It's hyperdermic, they're hyperderms, like the rhinosaurs of the desert. So - hyperdermic, like the needles. That's something, right? That's gotta be worth looking at.

"Maybe, maybe not. I'm not a doctor, I'm not a doctor, I just have a head for this stuff. If I wasn't a billionaire, or a King, a President, who knows, maybe I could be a doctor or a scientist?

"We're doing a tremendous job, with the moon and with elephants, the hyperderms, the rhinosaurs of the deserts. And the camel. They call it the shop of the desert, it never closes. Zero cases in the camels, and no lockdown. They never close 24/7. Can we look into what they keep in those humps? Some have one, some have two, but they're more than numbers, they're genius, they never close, the domedrians and the bacterial camels.

"Could we grow our own bacterial humps, like the dishes in the lab, the putrefying dishes you have in the lab? What if we could get that inside the body, the putrefy, the petrify, whether through the nose, the ears, or some other way, through the skin, like those hyperderms, like a kind of a disinfecting hump? It's not just numbers, which are still tremendous numbers by the way, they're genius, even the domedrians with one hump have zero cases.

"We're doing a tremendous job. I shut down China. I shut down China. I shut down China. I shut down China. I shut down China. They said I couldn't do it. I shut down China. I did it. Me. I did that. It was my idea. Nobody else did that.

"They said I couldn't do it. I shut down the Chinese pandas. I knew it was a pandamic before it was a pandamic. Those pandas, with the bamboo shoots. They shoot those bamboo darts. Can you, could we get some of those darts? I'm not a doctor. But darts through the skin, can you, can we look at that?

"What? There are reservations, without any testing? Can we test the reservations? Have we looked at our Indian numbers? The Apache cases? Maybe they're smokin' it out in their toupes that they sit in with the big smokin' pipes. Tremendous pipes in those toupes. Can we look at that? Those tall toupes with the hole at the top so the smoke gathers and disappears, like magic, in April, with the heat.

"I'm not a doctor, but my Great Uncle Hymie Liebowitz Trump, he was a super genius with plumbing. Anything with plumbing. Tremendous with faucets and pipes. Maybe I got my science brain from that side of the family. They say 'how do you know so much about these things?' and 'what are you talking about?'. And when I said: 'can we search for the pygmies of Austria, with their houses on stilts, can we do a terrific job with stilts, can we look at stilts?' they just stared at me.

"It's difficult. Not everybody can see these things. It takes a genius to see genius ideas and that kind of tremendous huge genius stuff. I sometimes think I'm like one of those idiot servants like the little guy Dusty Hoffman with the tremendous numbers. Maybe that's why I did so well in the casino business. I don't know, maybe I did, maybe I didn't, I'm not a doctor."

When a reporter said that perhaps there were zero cases of coronavirus on the moon because there were zero people on the moon, and asked the President what he would say about that, Mr Trump replied: "I'd say that you're a terrible reporter and that is a very nasty snarky question. You're CNN. That's fake news. You're fake. Next question."

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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