What you don't know about your toilet paper may take control of your life! TP specialist and scientist, Goober De Jimmy, has stated, "We put so many microfibers in your toilet paper, your ass is already infected!" Infected? With what, Goober?…
Our country is facing a blow –– a Kleenex shortage. Not a single box of this essential product can be found on store shelves and countless people are suffering the absence. Researchers have discovered that it is directly correlated to the much antici…
LOS ANGELES – (Satire News) – Well, it looks like the panic rush on toilet paper has hit the nation once again. The Vox Populi News Agency is reporting that thousands of supermarkets throughout the land of the red, white, and do, have sold out of…
The writer Brenda O’Lox is being hunted after breaching government anti-lockdown literature regulations. Her online story, ‘I haven’t seen anyone in three months, and also my Rabbit’s batteries are dead’, was regarded as ‘too earnest’. ‘If the sto…
Geoff Shitter, 47, of Bishop's Prepuce, wiped his arse clean with toilet paper today, after taking a large dump. "Ooh, it were right satisfying," said the unemployed logger. "I barely had to squeeze at all." He said that the large turd dropped out…
The 'East End Coronation Cobblestone Street Theatre Company' claims to be an open and inclusive creative environment for working class actors, but has excluded one applicant because she hangs her toilet roll the wrong way round. 'The theatre is o…
The world might be in lockdown, but there's big money to be made out there by eagle-eyed capitalists. Funeral company, Grave Situation, of Bury, England have reported a 350% increase in turnover for April, after they offered a two-for-the-price-of...
BILLINGSGATE POST: Outside the Costco in Beaver Crossing, Nebraska, Elmer Smuckmeister was stopped by the local constable. Elmer, who was an enterprising young man of impeccable credentials - his father owned the only saloon in town - was only too...
BOSTON – The governor of the state of Massachusetts has just issued a mandate stating that the state will no longer put up with those individuals who are hoarding extreme amounts of toilet paper. Governor Charlie Baker has informed the inhabitant...
CALEXICO, California - Border Patrol agents in the border town of Calexico have apprehended a person they described as being an illegal tourist. Agents Dusty Voight and Chauncey Ortega said that they were patrolling the border wall between Calexic...
A man who is well aware of the shortage of toilet paper the country is experiencing at the moment, has told friends that he has cut back accordingly, and now only uses one square of toilet paper to wipe his arse. Myke Woodson, 56, of Hull in East...
BILLINGSGATE POST: Chico “El Toker” Guzman, son of El Chapo and titular head of the Sinaloa Cartel, the largest drug cartel in the world, announced today that they would be converting all of their farms and labs to growing toilet paper. El Toker,...
CHEYENNE, Wyoming - MTV is reporting that many grocery store chains are now having to hire extra security guards. They note that due to the extreme shortage of toilet paper they are seeing more and more incidents of violence among the shoppers.
MILWAUKEE – Local authorities are reporting that overnight thieves broke into the Charmin Warehouse located on Soft Street and made off with 9,000 rolls of toilet paper. Surveillance cameras captured the three thieves who were dressed as Milwaukee...
WATERLOO, Iowa – Harpo Kerfuffle, 57, has always been the type of man who enjoys a challenge. And so when the toilet paper shortage hit, he was prepared. Kerfuffle who owns a 2,000-acre corn farm called Corncob Corners, took out a loan last month...
At one time, the men standing on street corners in downtown New York City were there for one reason: the sale of illegal substances to get you through until the next day. All that seems to have changed at the moment, after one man, in Brooklyn, mi...
SAGINAW, Michigan – Police were called to a local Walmart, after reports that three quite hefty women started fighting over a package of Charmin Toilet Paper. Store manager, Conzuelo Buckingbaum, 42, said that she was walking by the toilet paper a...
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