Washington DC (TSW) - Taking cue from the virtue-signalling 2020 Oscar fun-fest, the New York Times has opined that clownvirus (formerly coronavirus) be renamed as Trumpvirus. On clinical presentation, the columnist, Gail Collins, was hot under the collar, and has been placed in a full-body suit as a precaution by New York health authorities.
At the Oscars, self-congratulatory references had ranged from 'eco-responsible' gowns, to milk from artificially inseminated cows (too much soymeal). Many awardees did not seem to be rooted in reality, and lacked self-awareness. Kirsten Stewart equated rape with paparazzi. Natalie Portman complained of female directors who were not nominated, when she, herself, did not employ female directors for the movies she had produced. Only 4% of Americans go to movies each week now, compared to 65% when the Oscar event started back in 1930. The televised show recorded the lowest-ever audience rating in its history. Both actresses were evacuated from the auditorium in separate ambulances.
In Washington DC, congresswoman Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez accused Vice President Mike Pence as unqualified to lead the pandemic response effort because he is a Christian. She was immediately quarantined. She was frothing at the mouth, but her supporters claimed it was just soap.
Twitter banned Zerohedge after the financial blog published an article titled "Is This The Man Behind The Global Clownvirus Pandemic?". A Buzzfeed reporter claimed bragging rights over the suspension because the article had doxxed a Chinese doctor/researcher. Apparently, quoting several scientists who were alarmed by a pre-publication paper authored by a team of Indian virologists is doxxing. Zerohedge hit back at the reporter by digging up unsavory information from his Twitter past, but there was no response from the reporter. Mike Pence's secret police is rumored to have taken him away in a decontamination van.
Even the sedately-boring 'knitting community' of the Internet has not been safe. One 'knitting influencer' posted a picture of her knitting collection about woke words (microagression...) Undercover units of health departments of two states are trying to track her down before she infects the entire community.
A New Yorker magazine hack tried to instigate outrage mobs at Chick-fil-A restuarants 'infiltrating' the city. A squad car of policemen armed with doughnuts and nightsticks took the suspect into custody.
Numerous ports in North America have turned back cruise ships loaded with passengers, worried that they might catch clownvirus from the locals onshore.