Washington, D.C. - When Trump's personal attack dog, Rudy Giuliani, inevitably gets arrested soon, the job will not be dealt with by the police, or even the FBI, says a Justice Department spokesperson. No, the job of arresting Trump's lawyer will fall into the hands of the local D.C. Animal Control Agency.
"I'm not crazy about the idea," said a shaky agent, Hank Fehrier, who usually deals with rabid raccoons or a basement full of pit bulls, "but I guess it makes total sense. We've got all the equipment to capture a raving Rudy."
"I've been studying Giuliani's moves," explains Fehrier, "to get an idea of when and where it will be best to take him down, but it's a tough read. He's pretty shifty for an eighty-year-old."
According to Fehrier, Giuliani doesn't leave the White House very often, a move that animal control agents call "denning." "Yeah, it looks like Rudy and his closest republican den-mates are all sleeping in a pack in the Oval Office. From our surveillance cameras, we can see that Rudy, Mitch McConnell, Ted Cruz, Pompeo and other top republicans all seem to sleep in a big pile around Trump. They even tie all of their red ties together at night to keep from losing a member of the pack. So it's gonna be tricky luring him out of the den when the time comes. Probably gonna need something with Nancy Pelosi's scent on it. Maybe she'll give us a scarf or a kidney or something. That should work."
But agents are ready when they do coax Rudy out into the wild. "Yeah, we've got a good strong net and a big cage at the ready. We even bought some rhino tranquilizers off of Amazon, so we should be good. He's gonna be a feisty one, that's for sure. If you look at close-up pictures of him since the Ukraine scandal started, you can see he's been sharpening his teeth with a metal file and is growing out his claws... I mean fingernails. So he's ready for a fight, and can probably smell that we are coming for him."
By the time it comes to a court trial for old Rudy, animal control agents surmise that the former mayor will probably only bark or howl if put on the stand. "And God help the poor bastard that ends up being his cellmate," says agent Fehrier. "If it's a Democrat, he's as good as dead!"