Theodore McCarrick Hopes There Is No God

Written by Monkey Woods

Saturday, 16 February 2019

image for Theodore McCarrick Hopes There Is No God
"We won't forgive you, for you have sinned"

The former archbishop of Washington, D.C., who is currently mired in allegations of sexual abuse, has said that he hopes that there is no God, otherwise he is in a shitload of trouble.

Theodore McCarrick, now 88, faces charges of sexually abusing teenagers nearly 50 years ago, one of whom was a minor at the time. The priest forced the boys to sleep with him at a beach house in New Jersey.

He is using the now-popular defense of having "no recollection" of committing any abuse.

McCarrick resigned from the College of Cardinals in 2017, and the Vatican has now symbolically asked for his frock.

If it turns out that there is a God, McCarrick can look forward to a torrid time. Clearly, he won't be going to heaven; the alternative, then, would be a hot place characterized by fire and an orange glow, screaming bodies hanging from burning trees, flames licking at their shins, and a big clock that has stopped, and will never start again. That's for starters.

Which, according to a rumor, is what the kiddyfiddler said to that teenager all those years ago.


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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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