Written by Wesley Janson

Sunday, 10 February 2019

image for People Still Go To Church On Sunday While Cheating On Each Other And Looking For More Money, According To Report

After surveys and statistical data were analyzed at the University of Colorado last week, the results indicated that people actually do cheat on each other constantly, while looking for more money as they steadfastly maintain a need to go to Church every Sunday.

Immature and 'ego-driven' sexual behavior that occurs in the high school and college years seems to continually extend into adulthood, as married couples engage in the act of infidelity on a constant basis, before they get divorced and fight over 'little green pieces of paper' that happen to be connected to resources.

Broken hearts, unfairness, weeping, and shattered emotions aside, the report also indicated that repetitive theological messages about Jesus, followed by some hymnal singing, is believed to be the cure that will 'fix everything.'

One particular section of the conclusive study also states that sitting uncomfortably in a wooden pew while being forced to listen about 'God's Love', will still be the 'band-aid' that people need before they leave the building, treat other people like shit, gossip about co-workers they hate, and cheat on their loved ones in the continual pursuit of happiness....and more money.

According to lead analyst, Tim Bowden, shaking hands with people, feeling part of the community, and smiling at others on Sunday morning is still the 'main bridge' designed to heal the endless carnage of irreparable damage that is caused as people go back to their regular routine of judging, criticizing, and belittling those around them.

"There's nothing that Romanesque Architecture from Medieval Europe and Creepy Organ Music can't solve," Pastor Bob Norton told analysts, before he looked at a pornographic magazine, cheated on his wife, and used his smart phone to look for jobs that pay higher salaries.

Although they didn't want to admit it, due to the fact that it may shatter those who are 'naïve at heart,' researchers also discovered that many people are still going to watch meaningless sports like football and hockey, and that some individuals (even worse) are going to read fake news.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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