Vatican to Release New Bible in Modernized Latin

Funny story written by Zabdgrov667

Wednesday, 13 February 2019

image for Vatican to Release New Bible in Modernized Latin
Forget the old story - Pope Francis will BLOW YOUR MIND!

VATICAN, ROME - Pope Francis plans to publish a "Modern and Scientific Bible for the World." However, it will be written entirely in Latin, because ... that's what the Catholic Church does. Inside sources say His Holiness has spent over a year on this Sacred Project, and this will be a Bible which "Truly Takes the Word of God to 11, when past versions are at best a 9.8 in the 21st Century."

The "Modern Holy Francis Vatican Bible" is expected to be more accessible to the "current generation" which is greatly influenced by technology and life defined by Internet-FaceBook-Twitter contacts. In the 20th Century, the Vatican efforts to draw people to the faith had to overcome skepticism against miracles. Catholic dogma was often opposed by well-known principles of physics.

One example involves "Creation of the World" over a seven day period. An experience with the "DMV" or interaction with government agencies, make the idea of miracles seem unrealistic.

If YOU tried to build a "manger" or a barn in seven days, there would be a request for Zoning, and local ordinances would probably force revisions to your design specifications. After that, Federal Authorities would call for an Environmental Impact Study, which could take years. In short, you will NEVER build anything (legally), because only the POLITICALLY WELL-CONNECTED can.

In an amazing turn of events, the Pope seems to have found a way to inspire belief in Miracles in the modern world.

Pope Francis (Holy Catholic Church): "It was June 2017 when I realized how the vision of an Apocalypse as described in the Bible was not very scary at all. My heart stopped for nearly an HOUR, when President Trump DENIED Global Warming, and refused to place America under the globalist manipulations of the Paris Accords. Trump is more scary than a star falling to earth and consuming everything in unholy fire. Trump is more scary than a flesh-eating plague where eyes send fountains of blood into the air by ten feet or more. Seeing Trump with one's own eyes makes the Catholic version of the Anti-Christ seem like an unruly teenager that leaves Flaming-Bags-of-Poop on your doorstep."

"CARBON IS THE ROOT OF ALL EVIL" ... and "everyone" agrees.

"Old" Physics and "old" Catholic doctrine may have had conflicting ideas. However, Global Warming "Science" and Leftist Politics could fit together very well with a "New Catholic Faith" as envisioned by Pope Francis. The following excerpts for books of the "Modern Holy Francis Vatican Bible" are being released to inspire greater interest in the Bible and a more enlightened Catholic point of view.

The first book will most likely cover "End Times" due to current events. [Text below is translated from Latin]

Revelation - Everything in every Global Warming study, report, and Climate Science Prediction is perfect, infallible TRUTH. The End Times will consume the Earth as Carbon from Man makes Oceans Rise, Forests Burn, Plagues Spread, Crops Fail, and a Million Other REALLY BAD Things.

The second sample of new scripture deals with socio-economic-public-services-philosophy.

Gospel of Azazel - During forty days in a desert, reflecting on environmental concerns and aquatic conservation, The Lord encountered a physical entity of Non-Constrained Gender Identity whose value system of ethics was flexible. Of course, the pursuit of World Fairness should not strictly bind itself to Binary Judgments of Good/Bad, because differences in perception need Equality of Consideration.

(2) The entity, who should not be labeled as worse or better than The Lord, proposed Turning Stones to Bread. Naturally, providing Free Food to all people is a simple Human Right, and the most common cause of starvation is Insufficient Government. Politicians could create Utopia with a One World Government where One Currency in a Cashless existence would allow the advancement Solar and Wind Technology to convert typical Rock into Low-Fat, No-Added-Sugar, Highly Nutritious Meals.

The last Vatican sample addresses past beliefs on marriage, and the more recent LGBTQ issues.

Genderous - In the beginning, Man had NOT Made Carbon ... and that was GOOD (although other moral judgments of Good/Bad are relative to each situation, and tolerance is more righteous than making decisions). Therefore, the Garden of Eden was the Ultimate Best place for life, because there were no coal mines, oil wells, cars, banking institutions, or human over-population destroying vulnerable species.

(2) In the Garden of Eden were the first two persons, and as they lived in PERFECT Freedom, they did not have to self-identify as Man or as Woman. Perfect Non-Judgmental Marriage was open to unions between Trans-and-Fish, or between Man-and-Shrubbery, or between Chicken-Egg-and-Trisexual.

Reactions from Non-Christians

In many ways, the new Bible was applauded as "completely superior." One Satanist admired the lack of any oppressive "Thou Shalt Not" condemnation. A group of Anarchists agreed that "Do Whatever You Will" was a common theme of the Pope. Globalists and Authoritarians marveled at how often the new scripture revealed "BIG Government" as the one true moral compass.

Christians outside of the Catholic church appear to resist Rome's changes to scripture. However, the Pope will probably get the support of Bishops and Cardinals who have sworn to follow his direction.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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