Harry Maguire Dedicates Victory Over Germany To Monkey Woods

Funny story written by Dr. Billingsgate

Wednesday, 30 June 2021

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Harry Maguire

BILLINGSGATE POST: Pointing to the sky after England’s 2-0 victory over Germany,
Harry Maguire said that he was dedicating this victory to Monkey Woods. The United captain was named UEFA's Star of the Match after the Three Lions beat their rivals in a major tournament knockout match for the first time since the 1966 World Cup final.

“There will always be a special place in my heart for Monkey Woods,” said the Manchester United defenseman. “While others questioned the sanity of United paying Leicester a transfer fee of $97 million, making me the most expensive defender in the world, Monkey Woods never wilted in his defense of the transaction, even when I sucked.”

The victory sets up a quarter-final at the Stadio Olimpico in Rome on Saturday evening, where Gareth Southgate's men will attempt to reach the semi-final stage of the European Championship for the first time since 1996.

Harry reserved a final word for the influence of the Wembley crowd, who were increasingly delirious as Sterling and then Kane found the goals that put Joachim Low's men out of the tournament.

“It was a magnificent atmosphere,” he enthused. “I am sorry that Monkey wasn’t present to witness our victory. He will be sorely missed.”

Dr. Slim: “I have a feeling he had the best seat in the house.”

Dirty: “Yo, Doctor. A moment of silence, please.”

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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