Download your free Euro 2020 tournament planner here

Funny story written by Sir Geoffroy Cockface

Sunday, 6 June 2021

image for Download your free Euro 2020 tournament planner here
Spectacles not included

Are you planning to watch the Euro 2020 footballing competition?

Well don't, until you've planned your viewing schedule using TheSpoof's own handy easy-to-use Euro 2020 footballing competition tournament planner. Geoff Ball explains.

Simply write down the times and participants of each match on the day in the calendar where you plan to watch them. Then when the day comes around, look at the calendar to see which matches you are going to watch.

The genius of TheSpoof's Euro 2020 footballing tournament planner is that you can also plan what to do on the days when you don't want to watch a match. For example, you can write "go for a walk", or "visit the pie shop" to remind yourself to do that. It's so useful that I bought two and I'm going to use the other one next month when there's no matches on anyway.

So, now you've got your schedule planned, how are the organisers going to decide who plays what match and how will the tournament end.

Let me explain. There's no randomness or coin tossing here, except for at the start of each match when a coin is tossed to decide who picks their shirt colour first.

Twenty four teams qualified, some were personally selected by UEFA, others qualified because they won previous tournaments, and some through the jury voting system.

There is a reason for having twenty four teams in the tournament, it's so that they can have one for each hour of the day. They're all going to stand on a giant podium in the shape of a clock in the closing ceremony, which I'm sure will look fantastic.

The teams are divided into six groups. Every team in the group plays every other team in the group, except for itself, and only once. But it's not like a league - not at all - there's a very important difference.

So for example, let's take England. They play the third team in the league - I don't have the schedule here so let's just call the other team Australia.

England play Australia once, then move on to the next team, we'll call them West Indies. Then finally they play Pakistan and whoever has the most wickets will go top of the group.

But that's not all, because Australia also need to play against West Indies and Pakistan and then those last two teams need to play each other too - not at the same time of course.

Now I think about it, it is just like a league.

The winners of each group go through to the sixteenths round, then the winners of those progress to the octagonal round.

The winners of that progress to the quarters finals, where the losers then go on to play the third place play off.

Then the two remaining teams that won the semi finals - I forgot to mention the semi finals. The winners of the semi finals will have first won the quarter finals and then won the semi finals. The losers of the quarter finals go home, in contradiction to what I said earlier. I mean, they all go home eventually.

Then the losers of the semifinal play in the third place playoff match, the winners play in the final, and finally there's a second place match between the loser of the final and the winner of the third place playoff.

The winner of the final has won the tournament. Unless it's a draw then they'll go by alphabetical order. Which is why I'm supporting Austria.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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