Geoff Ball's Euro Roundup

Funny story written by Sir Geoffroy Cockface

Thursday, 3 June 2021

image for Geoff Ball's Euro Roundup
In Germany, the game is known as Das Boot

Hello! It's me, Geoff Ball, with your regular football news.

We've finished with the European song contest for the year, now it's time for the European football contest. And let's hope the home nations do better than they did at the singing.

It isn't over until the fat lady sings, and we haven’t seen a ball kicked in anger yet, or indeed with any other emotion.

So let's take a look at the upcoming Euro 2020 tournament, being held one year late because of the pandemic. Let's hope it'll be pandemonium on the pitch and that the goals will be endemic.

My pick to win the tournament has to be West Germany. They play as Germany nowadays, but to me they'll always be West Germany. They put a few token East Germans in the squad and leave most of them on the bench. And we all know what West Germany are like - unstoppable. Never been beaten in a competitive match. So that's why they're my tip to win.

Now, onto the players. There are quite a few new heads - and feet - to watch this year.

One player who caught my eye, amongst other things - mostly balls - is Danish goalkeeper Johan Hoygens. You certainly can't miss him, because he's a whopping 7 foot 3 inches tall. He's the tallest player ever to appear in the Euros.

In fact, he's so tall that if he wore high heels he would almost bump his head on the crossbar. Thankfully he doesn't wear them. He wears sensible football boots instead, in a gigantic size 24. I don’t know if that’s European or UK sizes. Honestly I don’t think it matters. Not only that, but his hands are a foot wide. It really makes you think.

Moving on, the Dutch have a controversial player in their team. She, or should I say he? - it's a genuine question. She used to be a woman but now he's a bloke.

Anyway, Jan Outen will no doubt cause great confusion in the showers, because she hasn't had full gender reassignment surgery yet. Is that right Bill? Bill's nodding. Haven't they got a separate shower for her? It seems a bit unfair.

I'm sure she/he will show that women can play football almost as well as men, although I guess she'll be able to run a bit faster without having balls getting in the way. By which I mean her testicles.

Also you know when the players line up in a wall for a penalty with their hands covering their bit. Well she, I mean he, won't need to worry about that.

Actually, I first saw her playing in the women’s league a couple of years ago and I thought she looked quite attractive. She's kept her hair long too, so just remind yourself that it's a man. Sort of. Suppress those thoughts!

My final player to watch for the tournament was - maybe still is - a superb striker, but he has had a bit of a mishap. He's Dimitri Bulgarov of Russia, and last week he tweeted something disrespectful about the Russian President Vladimir Putin. And you know what he's like.

After the tweet, Bulgarov was taken off the team and he hasn't been seen since. Which is a shame, because we won't get to see his great skills on the ball. Still, our loss is the gulag squad's gain.

That's been my roundup for Euro 2020. Let the goals commence!

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

Do you dream of being a comedy news writer? Click here to be a writer!

Comedy spoof news topics
Go to top
readers are online right now!
Globey, The Spoof's mascot

We use cookies to give you the best experience, this includes cookies from third party websites and advertisers.

Continue ? Find out more