Ten reasons why Scotland could never win a 'Cumberland Sausage!'

Funny story written by Jaggedone

Tuesday, 15 June 2021

image for Ten reasons why Scotland could never win a 'Cumberland Sausage!'
How can Scotland ever win anything wearing this?!

Scotland The Brave are very brave, but sadly all-time losers and, Jaggedone, a footy expert, who does not get paid millions for flogging salty crisps, has donned his kilt, picked up his caber, and discovered why the Scots are not capable of winning a 'Cumberland Sausage!'

Here are the reasons:

1) Scottish people breed ginger-headed Nutters who are forced to wear kilts, making their balls to hang so low, they cause knock-knees!

2) Scottish footy players are all knock-kneed or bow-legged because wearing kilts and swinging their balls in Scottish storms raging in from the Atlantic make them more suitable to become Scottish country dancers!

3) Carrying bagpipes and blowing in them from the ripe old age of 1 year-old causes any potential footy player to have a hunchback like him from Notre Dame.

4) Just before puberty, Scottish males are forced to drink gallons of whisky to prove they are real Scots. Meaning, whilst representing their wonderful nation, they are always half-pissed. It is in their blood.

5) Big Brother, south of Hadrian's Wall, is like a lump of concrete hanging around the ankles of Scottish footy players similar to a Sword of Damocles hanging over their heads every time they attempt to kick a ball straight!

6) Eating haggis wrapped in sheep's stomach before a vital game of footy tends to cause combustible convulsions in Scottish centre-forwards rear-ends just before shooting at opponents goals. Their shots go shooting into the dark, rainy skies hanging over Hampden Park.

7) The Tartan Army are a bunch of piss-artists who support their team no-matter-what and give their super-stars hope that one day a miracle will happen, and Braveheart is reincarnated.

8) Andy Murray does not play footy!

9) Rod Stewart claims he is Scottish, but was born in Brentford, London, and the only Scottish thing on his body are his ginger-dyed nuts!

10) Last not least, Scots have never recovered from the slaughter at Culloden by English marauders and having Mary Queen of Scots head hanging in the Tower of London. Defeat is sadly in their genes!

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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