Ronaldo Interest Cut
The Bank of England has cut the rate of interest in what Ronaldo was doing when his car "fell over". Police have appealed for witlesses.
written by Midgetgems, 08 January 2009
Obama names Miley Cyrus Secretary of War
The perky teen sensation will soon have everyone far too busy dancing, singing and "rocking out" to busy themselves with waging war. Like, how cool is that?
written by The San Francisco Onion, 08 January 2009
Nature Watch
Kate Humble pecked in face by Oddie and King.
Horse-faced toff Ben Fogle released back into wild.
written by Kozmik Ken, 08 January 2009
Together at last
Jesse McCartney was in Hannah Montana's concert last night. They were caught in a café after it, they were talking about a new CD called (Together At Last) and it will be sang by Miley and Jesse.
written by AJ beautiful, 08 January 2009
Michael Jackson's Nose Stolen
LA police report, Michael Jackson's nose was taken from his bathroom, while he was asleep. Police suspect the 'booger man'. Just last month, the 'bugger man' grabbed his family jewels.
written by JAB, 08 January 2009
Be On The Lookout
The first report of the fatal Truck Stop's Disease has turned up in Newport, Tennessee after three cases were reported in Cookeville last week. Police say still no trace of "BJ Mary"
written by Bureau, 08 January 2009
America's Worst Fears
Friends of Al Gore say the former VP is really pissed when fear of global warning comes out way down list of Americans worst fears, right below that of clowns.
written by Bureau, 08 January 2009
Both Receive Thong Cuts
Hawaiian man's head has finally been freed from an obese woman's thronged ass after his botched high dive!
written by Bureau, 08 January 2009
Polar Bear Club Event Put On Hold
This year's annual Polar Bear Club event has been cancelled after the first guy in was attacked and eaten by a polar bear.
written by Bureau, 08 January 2009
Plunger
Friends tell police that Atlanta man who jumped off roof had lost most of his in heavy stock, casino investments.
written by Bureau, 08 January 2009
Bailout of Indy 500
The Indianapolis 500 has requested a congressional bailout for much needed patching of winter potholes, salt damage and pit crew layoffs.
written by Bureau, 08 January 2009
Got The Traveling Blues
A Futuristic Time Traveler has had a breakdown. Then he was arrested by Arkansas police for rolling back his odometer.
written by Bureau, 08 January 2009
Yellow-Bellied Schnapppsucker
New York City transportation employees were blasted by the Mayor this morning after a crew ran a yellow line over body of passed-out drunk.
written by Bureau, 08 January 2009
Saddam's WMD's Found
United States troops report having uncovered Saddam's hidden stash of Viagra, Levitra pills or Weenies Of Mass Destruction.
written by Bureau, 08 January 2009
Gash Stitch-up
Upon hearing the urban myth anecdote that the size of a woman's mouth indicates of the size of her vagina, Cherie Bair and Donatella Versace have booked into a Swiss clinic for genital restructuring
written by Rusty, 08 January 2009
Moggi to do Time in Cat's Home
Former Juventus soccer club general manager Luciano Moggi has been sentenced to 18 years of community service at a Milan orphanage for stray cats after being found guilty of corruption.
written by Rusty, 08 January 2009
Royal Rumpus
Charles rapped for fingering man in Hull. Victim says, "he slipped it in without me noticing."
written by Kozmik Ken, 08 January 2009
Tories Tax Pledge
David Cameron has pledged to cut taxes for business owners to 1% should they win the next election. The shortfall in Treasury Coffers will be made up by selling the organs of the unemployed.
written by Kozmik Ken, 08 January 2009
Ross' Return
To avoid controversy when his chat show returns, Ross will be replaced by an animatronic puppet programed with the brainwaves of Michael Parkinson. The retired arse-licker is said to be delighted.
written by Kozmik Ken, 08 January 2009
Jungle Jane abuse case
A burglar broke into three adult shops in Queensland, inflated several Jungle Jane blow up dolls and then had sex with them in a nearby alley. Police have taken DNA samples left at the crime scenes.
written by Rusty, 08 January 2009
Marks & Spencer Boss: no pay raise.
M & S boss Sir Stuart Rose said that in light of the company lay-offs he will not be taking a pay raise this year. But for a guy who earned over £7 million in salary and bonuses in 2006/07: big deal.
written by Rusty, 08 January 2009
Writing on Wall for M & S
Finance gurus claim they saw the writing on the wall for Marks & Spencer belt-tightening the day when they started charging 5 pence for a previously free carrier bag to carry their overpriced tat.
written by Rusty, 08 January 2009
Two Jags warned by Doctors
Porcine Labour MP for Kingston-on Pies, John 'Two Shags' Prescott, who was recently told by doctors to lose four stones of belly fat or die, today lost four stones.
written by Rusty, 08 January 2009
Water pipes freeze in Wales
Welsh Water blamed the current cold snap for freezing supply pipes to people's homes, commenting it wasn't quite what they expected from the global warming situation.
written by Rusty, 08 January 2009
Brown pledges 2009 Apprenticeships
PM Brown is to initiate 35000 apprenticeships if he can find any youths that are interested or any industrial companies still in operation to hire them. Has this bloke not heard about the recession?
written by Rusty, 08 January 2009
Money to Burn
Tory leader David Cameron called the government's £12bn VAT cut "a joke" and said Gordon Brown may as well have burned the money. Mr. Brown later admitted that was precisely what had happened to it.
written by Rusty, 08 January 2009
UK Bloody Train Service
Northern Russia's Murmansk Express pulled into Leningrad five minutes early this morning yet Britain lapses into chaos at the first hint of snow with London-bound trains delayed indefinitely.
written by Rusty, 08 January 2009
Gaza to supply Israel with missiles
Israel halts the bombardment of Gaza as they have run out of missiles. Gaza says it has plenty left and has promised to send some over very shortly.
written by Rusty, 08 January 2009
Flynt, Francis request injection of federal money
With the American economy gone limp, sex drive in the United States has also decreased. Larry Flynt and Joe Francis have requested $5 billion to supplement flaccid DVD sales.
written by The San Francisco Onion, 08 January 2009
Ann Coulter - The GOPrincess
Sean Hannity reveals in his new book, 'Ann Coulter - The GOPrincess,' that Ann has the world's longest and skinniest legs. They start at her ankles and they go all the way up to her nipples.
written by Abel Rodriguez, 08 January 2009
Amy Winehouse's New Cosmetic Product
Revlon Cosmetics will put out a new line of eye liner. The Amy Winehouse Eye Liner From Hell should hit the stores just in time for Valentine's Day.
written by Abel Rodriguez, 08 January 2009
"And Now Here's Justin Something Lake"
Justin Timberlake in a move to try and appeal to an older group of male fans plans to change his last name from Timberlake to Lumberlake.
written by Abel Rodriguez, 08 January 2009
The Misinsertion of A Video Recorder Will Void The Warranty
An Omaha man is suing his ex-wife because she inserted an audio recorder in their daughter's teddy bear. The ex-wife is counter suing claiming he put a tiny video recorder in her uterus.
written by Abel Rodriguez, 08 January 2009
The New Kids On The Block Tour
The New Kids On The Block have announced that they will start a European tour in March. They will be performing for the first time using their new name, The Old Kids On The Stumbling Block.
written by Abel Rodriguez, 08 January 2009
