Pope Farts
Tastless really. I'm ashamed.
written by unknown
Ted Haggard "Comes Clean"
The dethroned evangelical icon appeared on Oprah Winfrey's show yesterday, telling her, "Yes, I smoked cock. But I didn't inhale."
written by The San Francisco Onion, 29 January 2009
Credit Problems
My credit is so bad that people won't even take cash from me.
written by freezer101, 29 January 2009
BBC Three accidentally broadcasts amusing programme
The televisual slagheap mistakenly aired five minutes of comedy last night. This error was soon rectified, leaving viewers with the usual "edgy" shite.
written by Timothy Jesuit, 29 January 2009
Noel Edmonds arrested
Noel "Nodeal" Edmonds has been arrested when banking 'inconsistenses' were noted. It is believed The Banker has been bailed out with £13billion of taxpayer's money. Police are investigating.
written by NODDY, 29 January 2009
Ron Howard to direct "Frost/Blair"
The film of the cosy breakfast chat will detail the tense moment when Frost almost asked a vaguely searching question, but ultimately decided against it. Michael Sheen will somehow play both parts.
written by Timothy Jesuit, 29 January 2009
Welsh language "completely made up"
Daily Mail readers everywhere were vindicated today as it was revealed that "Welsh" doesn't actually mean anything and was specifically designed to annoy English tourists.
written by Timothy Jesuit, 29 January 2009
Man called Jack Daniels still trapped in bottle
"Seriously now, someone help me," the unfortunately-named japester insists, "there's very little oxygen left."
written by Timothy Jesuit, 29 January 2009
Man called Jack Daniels trapped in bottle
"Cruel, cruel irony" blamed for unfortunate incident as he pleads, "the least you could do is stop laughing and try to help."
written by Timothy Jesuit, 29 January 2009
Obama reveals new diplomatic approach
The president says he will "calm down and count to twenty" before making any important global decisions.
written by Timothy Jesuit, 29 January 2009
Obama Envoy Into Banking
In world news, President Obama has sent an envoy to meet with the leaders of the West Bank. They will then travel to Paris to meet with writers and artists of the Left Bank.
written by Bureau, 29 January 2009
Forward Those Penis Enlargement Ads
A woman in California has given birth to eight babies. Also, her husband has requested that all spam penis-enlargement ads be forwarded to him.
written by Bureau, 29 January 2009
Palin says she is not running for White House in 2012
She wants Republicans to win
written by disciple, 29 January 2009
Peeper Given CPR
A local man in Maggody, Arkansas had to be given CPR Tuesday after he had drilled a hole in the wall of the women's bathroom at a Taco Bell.
written by Bureau, 29 January 2009
Rosie O'Donnell's Brother Admits He's Gay Also
This morning on The View, Rosie O'Donnell's brother was one of the guests and on the show, admitted that he, Posie O'Donnell, was gay also.
written by Bureau, 29 January 2009
O'Donnell On Oprah
Yesterday Rosie O'Donnell appeared on Oprah Winfrey as the curtains opened and it took seven strong men from the audience to get her off. Each got an IOU for a free car later.
written by Bureau, 29 January 2009
Clemens: No Steroids
Roger Clemens once again told reporters yesterday at Circus World in Florida that he had never taken steroids. Then he proceeded to wrestle an elephant to the ground.
written by Bureau, 29 January 2009
Turkey Blagojevich
Governor Rod Blagojevich of Illinois gave a two hour speech before his impeachment this morning and finished up with a karaoke version of "Turkey In The Straw" while dancing from the room.
written by Bureau, 29 January 2009
Gore Cancel GW Speech Due To Icy Roads
The roads were so slick with ice and snow in Tennessee today that Al Gore's vehicle slid off the road and he had to cancel his speech on global warming by phone while dodging other driver's snowballs.
written by Bureau, 29 January 2009
Ocean's #1 Polluter
A new study says that the number one pollution source of the world's oceans is neither spilled oil nor man's garbage but all those old warships that have been moth-balled.
written by Bureau, 29 January 2009
Carter/Bush Join Forces
Jimmy Carter has announced that George W. Bush will join his Habitat For Humanity group by organizing his own group, clearing away brush before buildings started, & that Bush Sr./Clinton can stuff it.
written by Bureau, 29 January 2009
Amway Salesman Breaches Wall
A White House official has announced that an Amway salesman has breached the wall and sold several franchises before being escorted by guards off the premises.
written by Bureau, 29 January 2009
Mugabe Illegitimate
The United States has asked the countries belonging to the United Nations to vote Mugabe to be illegitimate. His mother objects.
written by Bureau, 29 January 2009
WallyMart 50-State Recall
WallyMart has announced a fifty state recall of ground meat after butcher with narcolepsy goes missing.
written by Bureau, 29 January 2009
Many Mainstream Radicals Undecided
A poll taken after the recent presidential election shows that mainstream radicals were mostly undecided but extremely loud about it.
written by Bureau, 29 January 2009
Bi-Polar Policeman A Bargain
Local bi-polar policeman saves city thousands of dollars by doing bad cop/good cop routine all by himself.
written by Bureau, 29 January 2009
David Blunkett Plays Down Re-marrying Plans
David Blunkett MP who is to get married for the second time, said today; "I cannot see what all the fuss is about! After all LOVE IS blind."
written by IN SEINE, 29 January 2009
Lord Lucan Found Alive and Well
Notorious Nanny murderer, Lord Lucan who has not been seen since 1974 has been found living in a desk drawer. The desk is to be auctioned by London auctioneers, Bonhams and expected to realise £7,000
written by IN SEINE, 29 January 2009
Scottish Lib-Dems Offer SNP Outside Over Budget
Tavish Scott, Scottish Lib-Dem Leader, has invited the SNP outside to resolve the current Budget vote. He was quoted as saying "I'll have the lot o'ye, ya bastids, bytheway", before nutting reporters.
written by Dungeekin, 29 January 2009
Senate Republicans expected to snub America
Republican Senators likely to vote against bill that spends $544 billion on America, although they were in favor of spending twice that on a Democratic stimulus package for Iraq.
written by The San Francisco Onion, 29 January 2009
Strewth! Aussies Face Record Heat
A severe heatwave hits northern Australia, with temperatures over 40C. Sales of shrimp and barbies soar. Briton who claimed it was a bit hot branded a 'whinging Pommie poofter'.
written by Dungeekin, 29 January 2009
Parents to Get Advice on Kids Drinking at Home
Chief Medical Office Liam Donaldson to offer parents advice on children drinking at home. He says, "vodka sick doesn't leave stains, and mixes well with baby milk if you want a good nights' sleep".
written by Dungeekin, 29 January 2009
Public Service Message
Are you illiterate? Do the words on a page confuse you? We can Help. Our tutors are available 24 hours a day, 365 days per year to help you read better. Write us for FREE help!
written by Illusnist, 29 January 2009
Pin-up's art donation
Glamour model Lucy Pinder's colon is to be loaned to the Tate Modern gallery as part of a daring new exhibition. The important digestive component will be returned at the end of March.
written by Timothy Jesuit, 29 January 2009
British Pessimists Association meeting cancelled
B.P.A. meeting tonite in church hall is cancelled because nobody would probably show up. Next week's British Optimists Association meeting is extended to two nights and expected to be biggest ever.
written by NODDY, 29 January 2009
Lance Armstrong schedules surgery before racing in Tour de France
"If having one cancerous testicle removed can help me win six in a row, how many will I win if I get a healthy one cut out?"
written by unknown
Starbucks to close 300 locations
This will reduce the number of Starbuck's in Seattle to only 812.
written by unknown
Historic Agreement Reached
American Jews and Muslims have reached a historic agreement. Both religious groups will boycott the latest Congressional Stimulus Package, as it is loaded with too much Pork.
written by Philbert of Macadamia, 29 January 2009
Ecuador opts for Clapton
Eric Clapton has been voted into power in Ecuador. The blues guitarist was unaware of his candidacy but has pledged to do his utmost to make his presidency of the South American republic a success.
written by Timothy Jesuit, 29 January 2009
